


Between Fears and Promises [eng ver.]

by Btss_princess, mariyona



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Bisexuality, Blow Jobs, Canon Universe, Drama & Romance, Fear of Discovery, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Gay, Gay Character, Gay Sex, Hand Jobs, Homosexuality, Idol Jeon Jungkook, Idol Jung Hoseok | J-Hope, Idol Kim Namjoon | RM, Idol Kim Seokjin | Jin, Idol Kim Taehyung | V, Idol Min Yoongi | Suga, Idol Park Jimin (BTS), Idols, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, Jeon Jungkook & Kim Taehyung | V & Park Jimin are Best Friends, Kim Taehyung | V & Park Jimin are Best Friends, Kim Taehyung | V is Whipped, Kim Taehyung | V-centric, Lemon, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Original Universe, POV First Person, Pre-Debut Bangtan Boys | BTS, Self-Discovery, Shy Jeon Jungkook, Switch Jeon Jungkook, Switch Kim Taehyung | V, Teenage Drama, taekook
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:19:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28795275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Btss_princess/pseuds/Btss_princess, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariyona/pseuds/mariyona
Summary: (Season 1/2)Kim Taehyung is one of the seven members of BTS, a k-pop group that, little by little, began to gain recognition in Korea and in the rest of the world.He wanted to maintain optimism even throughout tough times, looking forward to the future and relying on the friends he loved, who were now his family too.Taehyung just didn't expect that this love could exceed the limits of friendship when it came to Jeon Jungkook.That's when his internal dilemma began, along with deep discoveries about himself.English version of @mariyona_bts 's original story[Taehyung's POV; Original Universe; Slowburn;  Taekook!fetus ; side!vmin]
Relationships: Jeon Jungkook/Kim Taehyung | V, Kim Taehyung | V/Park Jimin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22
Collections: taekook





	1. The stronger first impression

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Between Fears and Promises ( pt-br )](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24815521) by [mariyona](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariyona/pseuds/mariyona). 



> Welcome to this crazy attempt to show the original-universe Taekook in a long-fic. (And what a LONG fic lol)
> 
> [Disclaimer]
> 
> (Sarah)
> 
> This fanfic was written primarily in Portuguese by mariyona_bts. I, Sarah, am just translating it into English so it can reach more people.
> 
> Although this season is already written, it takes time to translate. I'm a college student and I have other responsibilities, so I would appreciate it if you could be patient with me if the posts are not as fast as they could be.
> 
> I wish you all a good reading! Interactions and feedbacks are welcome!
> 
> (Mariyona)
> 
> This is a fictional work even though it is based on true events, so don't take anything that's written here as absolute truth. What was imagined can be different from what actually happened, and everyone is free to think as they please. The only thing I ask is for respect as for differences of opinion.
> 
> I have tried my best to keep the chronological order of events, in addition to the video marathoning and article hunting hahaha. This was something I wanted to do since I became an Army, so I took the opportunity to write about TaeKook. I'm going to apologize ahead in case there is something not quite right with the timeline or the translation, there were some things that I couldn't find.
> 
> (Spoiler alert!) Tae is going to get involved with Jimin at some point, as is JK with Mingyu (season 2). This does not invalidate the love they have for each other, the love, I believe, that did not appear overnight, was a gradual process. Besides, the focus of this ff is not just to show TaeKook as a couple, but Tae discovering his sexuality too (although the main focus is TaeKook, don't worry).
> 
> The maknae line is not going to fight over dick, don't worry about it. Everything is going to be solved in due time.
> 
> Lastly, I would like to thank all of the friends I made because of TaeKook, and all of those who I became even closer due to this amazing ship that blows our minds. I love you all.
> 
> The poster is from my friend, May! I'm proud of you and your editing talent! Thank you!

Through the window of the van that used to take me from school to the Big Hit headquarters at lunchtime, I observed the blue sky covered by white little clouds being blown by the wind, trying to imagine forms in them to pass the time.

This was a habit that I had since I was a child, for spending too much time on my grandparent’s farm playing pretend with my grandma. We used to swing on the hammock tied between two trees, contemplating the vast blue sky. Or just sitting on a park bench, appreciating the sunset, we used to drink some fennel tea while chatting non-stop till we came back home, where grandpa was waiting for us for dinner. 

I went to live with my grandparents when I was only a baby, and I never quite really understood why. I guess my parents were too busy with work and didn’t have the time to be with me, so my grandparents raised me for 14 years straight, always taking very good care of me as if I was their own, especially my grandma, even though she couldn’t always be with me. She had to take care of the house, the farm, and the cooking too, so I had to learn how to play on my own. 

At first, I could manage to play by myself, but I couldn’t help but feel alone after some time, and inevitably miss my parents. Why couldn’t I see them all the time, even though they worked so much? The other kids frequently asked me that same question, since the great majority had their parents - or at least one of them - around, and sometimes even siblings. “I wonder if someday I’ll have siblings” I used to think to myself. But if so, I would be the one to take care of them. I wanted a big brother to take care of me, but as I grew older I realized that that would be impossible to get, cause I was already the Kim family’s firstborn. 

Then, I decided that I would be an exceptional child for my parents, especially for dad. I couldn’t always feel him as close to me as my mom, although he would always be kind, so I thought that, maybe, showing how much I looked up to him and wanted to be like him, something could change. Wandering if, someday, I could have his recognition, be your biggest pride… This was my highest goal in life. 

In the meantime, when I still went to daycare, I vaguely remember grandma walking with me hand-in-hand till we arrived, early in the morning. Even though, many times, I would get distracted by some cute dog and try and talk to him, or smell the flowers from the gardens nearby, (anything too cute or too beautiful for my sight fascinated me) we couldn’t be late.

We arrived at the nursery and the ladies received me, always ready to learn new things. They thought of me as kind and sweet, and I had many friends even then. It pleased me to make them laugh. Seeing people smiling because of me always made me happy.

The time passed and at 14yo I came back to my hometown, Daegu, even though I still considered myself as a Gochang boy, considering that it was the place I grew up in. I started to live with my younger siblings, taking good care of them, trying hard to be like dad: someone who could listen, encourage, and give advice, although I often got scolded by mom. I loved having these family moments, and I visited grandma every time I could.

In the new school, some people found me strange, mocking me saying that I had “my own dialect”. But I didn’t understand what was so wrong with mixing some words, taking some pauses in the midst of speaking, and mispronouncing some words, and, Idk, if I didn’t know the exact word for describing something, I created my own definition. For example, I called “Bloggers” “people with a blog”, and “hair dye” “color-changing soup”. Abstractly describing things was too one of my habits, like saying “it seems more than yesterday” instead of “it seems like it’s been just one day”. That was me, and I couldn’t understand the reason behind the stares and the mocking. That made me sad.

Still, as I was taught, I continued treating people well even though they treated me badly, and little by little, I was able to make friends. I even managed to become class president and one of the student council’s members. People said I was very charismatic, talkative, and funny… it made me happy being pleasant, for that made me someone people could admire. It was nice having so much attention and affection, so those little things made a big difference in my days. 

I ended up becoming popular for being so expansive and easy to talk to, but not everyone liked that. I even went through a humiliating moment when a colleague invited me to a party, and when I arrived at the time and place given to me, there was nobody there. I called him, no answer. I was so lost, not knowing what to do, that I waited at the place for 3 hours wishing that was just a nightmare till I realized that, yes, he had done that to me just because. I cried all my way home. Given a few months, he confessed that he had done it on purpose because he was angry at my popularity. Despite all this, I decided to forgive him, after all, I didn’t like holding grudges and would rather be on good terms with everybody. But it hurt. 

On the subject of becoming desired, something happened. In early high school, a girl confessed her love to me and I was incapable of saying no out of pity, cause being rejected was something that terrified me. Besides, I myself had been through my moments of delusion, and unreciprocated love, including one day, on a rainy day when I was trying to declare my love for some girl and the call wouldn’t complete. So I imagined that, if I gave her a chance, maybe it would work out.

That’s how I ended up kissing for the first time. The first ones being a little hesitant and awkward but useful, in a way. The problem was I was getting distressed cause I wasn’t able to correspond to her feelings, which made the relationship last less than 20 days. I didn’t think it was fair to her. Other girls also declared themselves to me, some of them even wore my friends, and I, once again, tried to have a steady relationship just to end it a week later. It was tiring having to break up, but I began to realize that it was exhausting being in a relationship out of obligation. 

I didn’t want that. I even dreamed about marrying my first love, but I didn’t see myself in love often… Maybe I was too picky? Well, at least I could notice that when it was girls that already wore my friends it was less difficult, precisely because of the pre-existing affection. It was less awkward.

The time passed and one day, as I was accompanying my friend to the Big Hit Entertainment audition, I decided to explore the place after dropping him in the preparation room. It was when one of the scouts saw me and suggested that I, too participated in the auditions, the only thing left to do was to get my parents’ permission since they wouldn’t allow it at first. After some persuading, however, the woman managed to convince them, and there I went, singing, dancing, rapping, acting, and even making funny imitations (which, being modest, was one of my strengths).

As a kid, I even daydreamed about being a singer, but when I passed the audition my father told me that every singer had to play at least one instrument, so I choose the sax, as for my affinity for jazz and blues. I ended up enjoying it so much that I even thought about pursuing it as a career, but I let it go, even after winning an award after playing Eagles’ “Desperado”. 

And just like that, in 2011 I moved to the trainees’ dormitory in Seoul, being the only one from Daegu having passed the auditions. I live here not knowing when - or even if - I’ll debut, but I have to be optimistic, right? I also transferred schools to one in Seul’s downtown for the end of my first year in high school. 

The van arrived always on time to pick me and the other boys up at our schools and take us rehearsal from rehearsal, something that used to take all day: from singing and dancing classes, foreign language classes, to how-to-deal-with-fans classes… they truly were trying to make perfectly behaving idols. Sometimes I caught myself thinking if I would be able to make it through with such a restrictive career, but I always tried to hold on to the positive sides to it. 

Looking at the clouds again, leaning back on the van seat, suddenly my mind went to Jeon Jungkook, that adorable and squishy little thing that I knew for less than a month. I wondered if he was already in the practice room… When I started at Big Hit, Jeon was already there for some time, and what caught my attention was that he had absolutely no friends. 

The first time I saw him was at the company, while he was attending a singing class. Even before opening the door, his voice caught my attention for being so soft and angelical… “sweet as honey”, I could say, for there was no better way to describe it. However, when I entered the room, presenting myself as the new trainee, he froze the second he saw me, stopping the singing right there and not being able to continue after that, which made the teacher and Bang PD-nim scold him after that.

\- If every time someone new listens to you sing, you freeze like that, how will you be able to sing in public? - The first one said.

\- I give you many opportunities because I believe in your potential, Jungkook, but if you keep on like this, I’ll have no other choice other than postponing your debut indefinitely. - The other one added.

\- I-I’m s-sorry - he said, staring at the ground and trembling a little.

For the rest of the class, he was quiet, standing in a corner far from the other trainees.

We sang and danced covers from other groups before learning original steps from the choreographers and, in the mirror, I was able to see Jungkook hidden in the back, staring at his reflection while following the dance movements. So, when the class was over, he was the first to leave.

They said he was like that, and that was no use going after him, for the boy simply disappeared before going to his dorm (which I figured out later was the same as mine). Earlier that day I had dropped my bag in my room, as my father took me to meet my roommates. Namjoon was the one that welcomed us, but I was so excited that I just went wandering around after saying hello to the other Kim - which its first glance at me said something like “this one is going to be trouble” - before leaving for my first rehearsal, which I was already late, deciding to organize my things later.

Later that night, I had already greeted the other trainees at our dorm, having only Jungkook left to say hello. He should’ve been at Big Hit training, or wandering around alone, without bothering to let anyone know where he was, even though everyone enjoyed having meals as a group for bonding purposes. Namjoon told me that, from what he’d seen, Jungkook didn’t have many social skills, so avoided situations where he was obligated to try and socialize since he ended up being more of an observant than an active speaker, even though he giggled from time to time. Yet, even though they didn’t know if the boy would eat or not when he arrived, they always kept his part of the food in the fridge, just in case, which was ferociously appreciated in a never-ending cycle by the maknae.

That intrigued me, so I decided to stay up ‘til Jungkook shows up, to attempt a conversation. Meanwhile, Jin, the oldest, also stayed up with some of the boys, as they were pre-cooking the next day’s dinner since lunch was usually eaten somewhere in Big Hit’s surroundings. 

Since I didn’t know how to cook, I laid down on the bottom bunk bed, reading manga on my cellphone to pass the time as much as I could. But as I relaxed, the fatigue by the tiresome day and the full schedule were taking over me, and little by little, my eyes couldn’t take it anymore. 

I was about to fall asleep when I heard the door being opened carefully. I didn’t move a muscle, paying very close attention to the slow steps that continued through the kitchen, as well as a soft voice talking to Jin. Suddenly, I remembered I had forgotten my underwear in the shower, and there was only one bathroom in the dorm. Imagining Jungkook would take a shower, I ran there, picking it up for it to dry in a more adequate place. It was an orange underwear, with a tiger stamp on it - which I was very proud of - and it was still wet. So, underwear in hand, I opened the door, only to come across Jungkook, grabbing a pair of clothes I assumed was his pj’s.

He appeared shocked to see me again, and even more shocked to see me with that piece of clothing in my hands.

\- It has a tiger on it! - was the first thing that came into my mind and out of my mouth, trying to break the ice. I picked it up by the elastic part in both hands, showing it more clearly. - Look how cute his little face in the front and the animal print on the rest of it! Cool, right? 

Jungkook seemed paralyzed for a moment, but then your mouth opened and closed, not able to make a sound, before being able to speak:

\- Get- Get this thing out of my face! - he stuttered, blushing, and looking away immediately. 

\- Oh… my bad.

Before I could say something else, he went away, throwing his clothes on his bed and practically running towards the kitchen while the other boys laughed at the scene, since the bathroom was right in front of the bunk beds.

I stood there, with a poker face, for several long seconds. “Was my underwear that ridiculous?” I thought to myself, not actually caring that much as I took it to the dryer, that was near one of the windows.

Decided to go to the kitchen to say good night to Jin and the others, cause I was sure they would take a shower before going to bed, and getting there, I found Jungkook eating with such eagerness to hide his face that his neck was barely visible. 

The oldest one quickly pets his hair, saying:

\- Don’t forget the dishes, huh?

He mumbles in an almost inaudible way but shakes his head in a positive answer, without taking his eyes off the food. 

I decided to sit in front of him at the table, arms crossed. I cleared my throat before speaking:

\- Kim Taehyung, 15yo, almost 16. First-year of high school, born in Daegu on Dec 30, 1995. I used to want to be a farmer, then a basketball player, then a saxophonist, but I ended up focusing on singing. I also think a lot about being an actor. I’m afraid of ghosts, gross things, and scary movies, but I love anime, cute things, and making impressions of any kind. What’s up? 

His eyes slowly meet mine, in contrast with the frenetic chewing indicating he must have been really hungry. But instead of replying, he just shook his head.

\- Wanna see my anime bottoms on my backpack?

\- No.

A quicker - and colder - reply than I expected.

\- What’s your favorite anime?

\- I don’t want to say.

\- Is there something you wanna say?

\- No.

Oh… he was the suspicious kind. 

But I wasn’t going to give up.

For the next few minutes, I tried several different questions, with him always dodging, until I decided to give it one last desperate try:

\- How’s your underwear?

Immediately his pale cheeks turned strawberry red, and his eyes doubled size.

\- Wha-why do you wanna know?

I end up laughing unintentionally, finding him cute all of a sudden.

\- Well… you saw mine, It’s only fair you tell me how yours is.

\- I didn’t ask to see it!

\- But you saw it.

\- Leave me alone.

\- What’s the matter? You don’t wear underwear? You like to walk around the way you came into this world, letting your “little friend” feel the breeze?

The boy sighs, letting air out of his mouth while puffing his cheeks, and I laugh even more noticing the little smirk that he also had.

\- You’re crazy.

\- What is that??? - Jin urges into the kitchen, rubbing his wet hair with a towel - Gosh, Jungkook, you don’t exchange two words with me and we live together for months!!

The eldest spoke in a joking tone, but I could tell that even so, it bothered Jeon.

\- Everyone else already went to bed? - he asks all of sudden.

\- Yeah, I’m on my way right now and Taehyung, It’s past your bedtime young man.

\- But…?

Something about his stare made me jump on my feet at once, so I say good night to Jungkook.

Arriving in the bedroom, already close to the bunks, before going to our respective beds, Jin whispers:

\- He only takes his shower after everyone is asleep.

\- Wha...? Why?

\- I think he gets embarrassed about changing clothes whenever we’re around. Or afraid someone will open the bathroom door with him inside - he sighs - We’re guys, we like to walk around our house wearing just underwear, we don’t get much privacy in public restrooms, and we already had to get naked in front of one another like… in dressing rooms, saunas, thermals, stuff like that… But Jungkook seems to get terrified by it.

\- Wow…

With that, I finally understood his earlier reaction, which for me was just a bit of an excessive embarrassment. 

The next day, before everyone went to their schools, I apologized to Jeon for any embarrassment I put him through. He seemed surprised but only said “whatever” before disappearing through the door. 

It went like that for several days, where I tried approaching him with small talk, even making the pathetic attempt to talk about the weather, but our conversations were so short that I don’t even know I could actually call them that. With the hyungs, he still stayed in his own little world, quiet and barely interacting. I tried being understanding, even though sometimes I feared I was bothering him, for I never had seen someone so blocked.

At Big Hit, Jungkook was always alone at some corner and could barely talk to someone maintaining eye contact. The only times I saw him upright was during dancing and singing classes, even though his focus was on the precision of the moments, not the feelings behind them. Still, he seemed to shift, clearly trying hard to get better and better. I really admired that kid and was getting more curious each day by all that mysterious aura he had.

From what I had figured out: he had completed 14yo in September, was from Busan, wanted to be a badminton player until G-Dragon inspired him to sing, was videogame addicted, liked sad songs, and died just at the thought he had to show his body, even though we were all boys living together and, well, had to deal with the fact that we had a dick. But I still tried approaching Jungkook, at least to encourage him to talk to more people, cause if he was really going to become an Idol, he had to come to terms with human interaction at some point.

I watched him by far when we weren’t together and, when he started to notice, staring back at me, I just smiled shamelessly, maintaining the look until the other one brakes and starts to look somewhere else other than the crazy boy who wouldn’t let go of him (what wasn’t entirely a lie, I must say).

One day, at the beginning of December, when I went by a park I didn’t even know existed until then, I found him sitting, back-turned, on a bench outdoors. I enjoyed wandering around sometimes and having the pleasure of discovering some new places all by myself. That’s what I was doing on that Sunday afternoon, as we finished our schedules a bit earlier that day. Though I genuinely enjoyed being around people, sometimes I needed a “me, myself, and I” time and to take some air, even if it was cold as hell. (I never understood that expression, “cold as hell”, isn’t hell supposed to be hot? Anyways…) But as long as I had my coat on, nothing would stop me. 

Now… I could simply pretend I didn’t see Jungkook there, minding my own business, and continue to walk…

But I couldn’t help it.

\- Is that Eevee?! - I asked, excited, looking unashamed to the notebook page that he was drawing into, making him jump, frightened as a bunny.

\- H-how did you find me here?? - he demanded to know, hiding the rectangular object in his against his chest. - Are… are you following me for some reason? Isn’t the stalking is not enough at the company?

I had to laugh. He seemed even more confused, and then I sat beside him. 

\- Why didn’t you tell me you liked Pokémon too? I absolutely love it! And Eevees are one of my favorites ‘cause they have all of those evolution possibilities, you know? They can be of any kind, and that’s so dope. Once, in a game, I had this whole team composed only of Eevees. No one could beat me!

Jungkook had two options: leave, and never look at my face again, or…

Smile shyly, not bothering to have me around, even though I talked non-stop.

And, to my relief, he chose the last one.

I already knew he would only talk about himself when he felt like it, so all I had to do was wait, just like other times.

\- Do you wanna play “find the Pokemon” on the clouds? - I ask, out of the blue and already looking up to the sky trying to find one.

\- Yeah - he said hesitantly, but without judgments for how my game suggestion was probably a bit too silly for our age. - But… I also want an ice cream first.

\- Cool! - I agreed right away - You, too don’t mind going for ice cream when it’s cold?

\- Not at all. - He chuckled, pondering.

And like that, me with my strawberry ice cream and him with his chocolate one, we spent a nice evening together, where, for the first time, we talked more than just a few sentences.

And it felt great just being by Jungkook’s side.


	2. A Christmas Memory

In the middle of a tight schedule and school, Christmas was right around the corner. This was one of my favorite times of the year and wasn’t even because of my birthday, but because it reminded me of gatherings with friends and family even though, here in Asia, Christmas didn’t have as much religious value, being more like a second Valentine’s day for many couples. At least it was something I learned in school and by watching foreign movies: in the western culture Christmas is seen as a time to spend with family, and that always caught my attention, since I was so attached to mine. 

The longing was getting bigger each day since I didn’t even know the next time I was going to be able to see my family, for the tickets to Daegu were a bit expensive and we didn’t exactly have much time to spare. It was rare actually, having days off. That’s why, when they said that we would have Christmas and even the day after Christmas off, I was pleasantly surprised. 

That’s when I figured out a bathing house’ promotion that wasn’t very far from our dorm, but no one was very excited to go. They just wanted to be in their rooms, visit their families if they lived close to Seoul, and date someone they could be kissing... or just train some more. 

I really wanted to take someone there, so I was very moody for the rest of the week. Even if I didn’t care about going places on my own, for something like that, I’d like some company.

So, as was laying on my bed, dead tired after a week of school work and a good load of scoldings at the company for not corresponding to the expectations at our classes (since I was already at my limit), I feel somebody tap my arm.

\- Hyung? 

\- Hum? - I opened my eyes, recognizing Jungkook’s voice. 

\- I… asked my parents and… They let me go with you. 

\- Huh? - I was so tired, so sleepy, that I was even slower than usual.

He rolled his eyes, Impatient. 

\- Weren’t you the one who couldn’t stop about that sauna thing? - he said, quickly, and I agreed, nodding - So… They… they let me go with you, cause I told them how you were such a good friend to me when... when you came and how you-you took me in and stuff so they let me go. With you… yeah.

I widened my eyes, realizing what that meant, as I almost rip my mouth apart from smiling.

\- For real??

\- Uhum. 

\- Did you feel sorry for me?

\- A little. 

\- Pathetic. - I say, obviously kidding.

He giggles cheekily, in that perfect mix of cute and naughty that would become my favorite any time by now.

\- Thanks, Kookie!

I get up going for a hug, putting my arms around his neck leaning him forward in my direction, but he freezes and I get pushed away.

\- Le-let’s not get carried on.

I chuckle a little, grabbing the tip of his nouse as he looks away.

\- I’m looking forward to it!

* * *

The day arrived. The place was nearby, approximately a 20 min walk, so we walked there, discussing last week’s Naruto episode.

I was excited, touched even, because for what it seemed, Jungkook was actually going to get undressed in front of a considerable amount of people, and that was quite a breakthrough. And that’s why, in the locker room, when I saw him sitting at one of the benches nearby the lockers, I didn’t even think twice before telling him:

\- Go on, Kookie.

\- What?

\- Take off your clothes.

He suddenly appears frightened.

\- What? W-why? Can’t I go in like this? - He points to the long-sized shirt and bathing shorts he was wearing

I stare at him, ecstatic. I couldn’t believe him!

\- You’re... kidding, right?

\- Hm… - The boy blushes, eyes staring at the ground. And then I realized that no, he wasn’t.

I sit beside him, trying to think of a solution.

\- I know. - I whisper, so no one else can hear us.

\- Know what? - he looks in my direction.

\- You don’t like taking your clothes off in front of other people. I notice you wait for everyone to sleep so you can take a shower… But when you wanted to come here I thought… maybe? - I scratch my head, breathing in some air - Anyways, sorry. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. 

\- Oh… it’s ok, hyung. I think it was very thoughtful of you to invite everyone - he stares at the ground - I… I never really had many friends and… well, I didn’t have anyone to play with also, as a child.

\- What about your brother?

\- Hm… even with him there were times that we didn’t even look at each other in the face, cause he insisted on being a know-it-all just because he was older. Siblings... This scar on my face here was of one of the times we fought ugly over a videogame - he giggled as if the memory was in a way funny one to him.

\- My siblings were born after me, so I always ended up being more caring than fighting with them, but… - I look at him for a moment, pressing my lips together - you mind if I ask what’s up with this… blockage of yours?

He blushes even more, getting a little upset.

\- I… - he begins to talk, eyes still stuck on the ground - I was bullied in school for being too skinny and shy. They called me names that really hurt, so… I started to try and not show my body, being fully clothed even at pools and the beach… otherwise, I couldn’t take it. 

\- Hm… - I try to think for a second - you know, I was very mocked when I transferred schools. As I moved to Seoul… my family is not very rich, you know? I wanted to pass a “cool” image in school, so my mom and my grandma bought me a red jacket. I felt awesome… but it was a little cheesy. They mocked me, so I stopped wearing it. I still have it, as something to remember, since they gave it to me with such good intentions.

\- Wow…

\- What?

\- You’re always in such a good mood, hyung... as if you don’t matter what others think of you.

\- Well, it’s something like that… but I, too have my insecurities, Kookie. And when they laughed at me it was like they knew about them and were laughing at them. That only made it worse.

\- Hm…

\- I think everybody should wear what it pleases, not caring about fashion and what’s “in”, if it matches or not, or just go around wearing nothing at all, fuck it.

\- Really? - He laughed, surprised.

\- Sure! Why be embarrassed by your body? Everyone was born naked. 

Jungkook laughs even more, processing what I had just said. 

\- You’re funny, hyung.

\- You don’t have to listen to these people, Kookie, they’re just assholes who I’m sure were jealous of your beauty.

\- I..I’m beautiful?

\- Of course you are! - I pinch the tip of his nose, seeing him cringe himself.

\- But… but hyung I have an ugly body, and my nose is too big…

\- You wanna talk big?... Look at my ears!

We both laugh.

\- For a second there I thought you would say something else... since it came from you. 

\- Well… I’m big there too, you can check it if you want - I blink at him, giving him a naughty smile, and Jungkook rolls his eyes - But don’t worry about it, Kookie. Promise I won’t take advantage, after all not everyone is born lucky…

\- Shut up!! - his shy giggles were the cutest thing.

\- Anyways, know this: if you really want muscles, go to the gym. I fucking hate that shit, but who knows? Maybe you’ll like it. Now... if possible, I’d like to enjoy the pool with you, but without this shirt covering you. I guarantee you that swimming will be easier without it. - I make a dramatic expression - Ah… I’d swim naked if I could!

\- You’re a perv, that’s what you are!

\- All jokes aside… What I truly want Kookie, is for you to feel good about yourself. And maybe this will be an important first step to it, that of course if you’re willing to try. 

He looks at me, reflexive. I thought he couldn’t get redder… I was wrong.

He gulps, holding the bottom of his shirt, and says:

\- Look away - he asks, pouting, and I try not to smile while I look away, as he asked.

Seconds pass, nothing.

\- Kookie?

\- ...what?

\- Oh, ok. I thought for a moment there you ran away and left me here.

\- You’re a dork.

\- You’re a dork!

\- Hm…

\- Ready?

\- Yeah.

\- Can I look?

\- Uh… ok.

I turn myself, Slowly looking at him, while he braces his own body, trying to cover his chest.

\- What about the swimming shorts?

\- You… you said one step at a time!

I laugh, messing with his hair.

\- I know, it’s fine.

He smiles shyly, putting his arms down, and I make a shocked face.

\- Wha-what?

\- WTF? You have _two_ nipples! What a freak! Get out of here!

He giggles embarrassed, slapping me, while I laugh even more.

\- Not funny, hyung!

So I held his hand, and together we went to the pool, where we swam and played for a while. After that, we went to the gaming room and stayed there for the rest of the evening, taking breaks now and then for snacks we bought at the house’s cafeteria.

Going back home, since it was snowing, we played and had a snowball battle. That made us take even longer to arrive at the dorm, but we didn’t care. Jungkook was smiling openly and was gradually being set free of the invisible chains that he had tied himself for so long. He even had told me that that was being the best Christmas yet for him.

And I loved being part of it.

* * *

\- Hey, Tae! How good are you in Biology?

I turned to look at the boy next to me in the school van: Park Jimin, a trainee that had entered Big Hit six months after me. He was from 95, the same year as me, and because of that we easily bonded, as was expected in our culture for people the same age.

_It was funny how we met: I was wearing just a blood-red underwear, laying in bed when out of nowhere someone entered the room, scaring the shit out of me. I could say that underwear, at the end of the day, was a good way of making friends - or at least a funny subject to begin with._

_Later on that same day, after his first day as a trainee, I invited him on a walk with me and Jungkook. He smiled, pleasantly surprised, and accepted the offer after a moment of pondering. I think he understood that my intention was for him to feel comfortable around us right away, and Jungkook, even though he was still a little shy, was kind and polite, even more after realizing how the new guy was frightened with the sudden shift in his life, after all, he didn’t expect to pass the auditions so fast._

_So after buying some snacks and a ridiculously big soda, we sat at the nearest bench we could find, near some lamp posts and some trees. We continued chatting:_

_\- I was recruited by seven agencies after being eliminated from Superstar K. - said Jungkook, mouth full of the chips he had bought just for himself - Seems they all saw “something” in me, unlike the show’s board…_

_\- Seven!? - Park exclaimed, surprised - I was only contacted by Big Hit… If it wasn’t for them, I think there wouldn’t be any chances for me._

\- Don’t say that, Jimin! - I was between the two of them, so I slapped him lightly at his shoulder - Didn’t you say you were one of the best dancers at Busan High School of Arts? If your teachers suggested you did the auditions, it was because of your potential.

\- Hm… - he scratches his head, laughing in disbelief - Sometimes I think it was out of pure luck.

\- What is luck use for if you don’t have the talent? - I replied, filling my plastic cup with some more soda and stealing some of the chips from the beg I shared with the newbie.

\- If you say so… - he shrugged - but, Jungkook?

\- Hm?

_He was just like a squirrel with those cheeks full of chips. It was illegally cute. That kid was a bunny in disguise and nothing could tell me otherwise._

_\- If you had seven options… Why Big Hit?_

_I already knew the answer to that question._

_I knew it, but I wouldn’t mind hearing it again just to see his sparkling eyes and blushing cheeks and ears as he said:_

_-I did a web search on each one of them, and as I browsed through the sites, I came through some videos of some trainees and… as soon as I saw Namjoon-hyung rapping… I couldn’t help it._

_\- Wow… he’s that good?_

_Jungkook nodded, looking down at his legs and shoving more chips inside his mouth as an attempt to mask the embarrassment that at this point came out of him in every form._

_I couldn’t exactly put my finger on why he had to be like that when it was basically a fan-idol relationship to him, since he practically wanted to be around the guy because he founded him badass but still, it was Jungkook we were talking about, there were still many chains attached._

_Jimin, unlike my first impression of him, wasn’t exactly timid. He just needed some opening to start being himself. With that, once he started talking, he couldn’t stop. Always with a soft and light tone. Jungkook, on the other hand, couldn’t stop eating. He was in that observant mode of his, but we didn’t let him out of the conversation._

_\- Hey, Jimin, wanna see how I did my audition for Big Hit? - I said, as I jumped on my feet, and then switched from left to right._

_\- He always does that - Jungkook says, giggling - he loves to imagine he’s on his own TV show. Pity he only does that same thing over and over again…_

\- Shush! Shut up! - I snapped my fingers, under Park’s curious glaze over me - That performance changed my life, can’t help but being proud of it.

_And with that, even though we were in public, I started dancing and singing, with a little bit of acting now and then, everything a bit more extra than the original one, just for fun, and they laughed. After some more minutes of conversations, I finished the bag of chips I was sharing with Jimin before we went back to the dorm, where I suggested he’d sleep beside me and Jungkook, since the two of us usually did that, as we listened to songs late at night till we fell asleep. The both of them seemed a little uncomfortable by the idea, but I told them this would be the best way to close the night. Jimin said I should desperately find my own plushies instead of hugging people._

_Still, there we were, the three of us peacefully sleeping in the same bed._

_We would clearly be best friends._

That same week, we managed to get Jimin in the same school as me, even though he would be a little lost with the adjustment. Because of that, even though we weren’t in the same class, I always helped him gladly - that, or because of the candy, ice cream, french fries, and other goodies that he bought me with. 

\- I can manage, Jimin. 

\- Ugh… - the little one bends his head, laying on the seat - I was so focused on this week’s choreography that I forgot to do my homework… I didn’t want to be behind you all at the company, you know? Y’all were trainees way before me… but then I went and checked my schedule this morning and… I thought “fuck”...

\- Guess you’ll have to ask the teacher to give you some extra time and extend the due date. 

\- Yeah… Guess there’ll be no other way. Who knows? Maybe with my adorable, wide, eyes-closed smile, convincing the teacher will be easy-peasy.

I shook my head, giggling slightly. Yes, there was a kind of “charm” in Jimin that I couldn’t quite explain, but it was like he could easily lure someone just by his glance, or smile, melting anyone’s heart as he does it. I didn’t even know why I was thinking that about him, but when someone is like that, it’s like… impossible not to notice. So we just have to admit it, right?

They said I, too, had some sort of “power of attraction”, but I thought it was just because I was always excited and rarely quiet... I just couldn’t stay still for long. But I also knew I could get called “weird” or even “childish” for saying what I thought without really having a filter. Unlike me, Jimin seemed more subtle and natural for the seduction thing and even seemed more mature. Despite all of that, he was still a teenager, full of dreams, insecurities, ideas… and since the beginning, he was very easy to talk to.

The thing was: he knew exactly what were his strengths, and very often focused only on his weaknesses, because of the feeling of pressure. The trainee’s life wasn’t easy, we didn’t know when or even _if_ we were going to debut, and that expectation was barely manageable sometimes. We were just some hard-working kids, lost in the big city, trying to give our best for something uncertain, hoping all of that effort, poor sleeping nights, crazy diets, and social life deprivation would be worth it. 

It was like I knew Jimin for ages, not just three months. I saw him cry, I knew of his insecurities about the future, I even let myself shed some tears by his side, even though we avoided doing that kind of stuff around people. We needed comfort, someone to lean on and give us strength. I could easily open up to him, something rare for me cause I usually didn’t like showing vulnerability, even though sometimes I may seem silly or even naive, that was something I was sure: I couldn’t, wouldn’t show any weakness. 

But there were some tougher days that all I wanted was to be with my family. I called them, never showing how much I really missed them. Only hearing their voices was enough to calm me down for a while, but once I hung up, the tears were my only company.

At least they were, till Jimin saw me one day and joined me.

\- Hey, Jiminie, what do you see there? - I ask, looking out the window as I clear my thoughts.

\- Huh? - he bends, trying to understand where was I pointing at - Where?

\- In the sky!

\- Aren’t those… clouds?

\- Ugh, of course not! It has a dog, a heart and a star.

\- Tae, you’re still underage, you shouldn’t drink. - he said jokingly, and I answered with a kick on his leg.

\- I didn’t drink, you little shit! I’m just saying clouds tell stories. Don’t be lame!

\- Sorry, man. I see nothing but big white cotton candy. - he said, and I rolled my eyes - Besides, I have my eyes on other things, you know what I mean? - he whispers, naughty and mysterious.

\- You’re one of those teenagers whose hormones only allow’em to think with the other head? - I teased him.

\- No! - it was his time to roll his eyes - But that doesn't worry you?

\- What does?

\- If, by any chance, we get famous one day… it’ll be near to impossible dating someone without making it through the media.

I looked at him, processing the information.

\- Yeah, I guess you’re right. 

\- I know I am - he breathed in some air while running his fingers through his hair - I’m not saying it’s wrong to hook up with someone without dating, don’t get me wrong. I just… right now I think it can still be possible to try and do it, you know?

\- But at the meetings, they always tell us to “avoid unnecessary distractions”...

\- Nobody needs to know - he blinked, smiling mischievously - we’re friends, we aren’t going to tell on each other. - he started to whisper - It’s not like everyone is going to follow the rules, even after we debut… if there’s a will, there’s a way…

\- Jimin, you are unbelievable - I giggled nervously

\- You don’t notice, but there are some girls from your class that can’t stop staring at you at lunch break when we’re together. 

\- Bullshit. - He giggled and pinched my cheek - They must be looking at you.

\- Kim Taehyung, don’t make me list all the “boyfriend material” features you have, starting at handsome, funny, cute, smart, hard-working…

\- You just did! 

\- Ops! - he faked an innocent look, and I rolled my eyes once again as the van parked in front of our school - What I mean is: nothing’s impossible, even if _I’m_ around stealing the spotlight.

\- You’re not all that, you know?! - I smile a little.

He chuckles, and we walk together to the school’s entrance.

Grabbing from the straps my backpack full of anime bottoms, I crossed the school’s patio, walking towards my classroom. I waved at some of my friends along the way, and arriving at my destination I chose to sit at the back. 

Park’s classroom was right across the haul. I still remember how when he arrived he wasn’t exactly welcomed by his class. He was ashamed of his Busan satori (accent) and only had opened up to me cause I said I didn’t care, for I was used to talking to Jungkook and he had satori too. But in front of his classmates, he felt intimidated. 

I figured that out one day as I passed by his classroom before we went downstairs for the lunch break, and saw Jimin sitting at a corner, the furthest chair there could be from my friends. I couldn’t help myself but scold them, telling them to do the right thing and welcome Jimin properly, even making them promise me to never let Jimin alone again. That pissed me off. No one deserves to be left out, no matter what. Jimin observed the scene, astonished, blushing, and I smiled, pleased, as my friends apologized to both him and me. On our way home that same day, Jimin couldn’t stop thanking me, and I reinforced that it was just the right thing to do. 

The first class was already starting when I noticed some stares. It was from one of the class’s prettiest girls. Damn, Jimin. You were right.

Don’t get me wrong, It’s not like I didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, nor that I didn’t have the curiosity about sex and stuff. I just… felt like there was something more than _just_ that. It seemed like there was something I was missing, I didn’t quite feel like my friends did, that hormonal interest, that fire that everyone was having, especially after we turned 13, just wasn’t there for me. 

I jerked off and stuff, but I didn’t quite have had that “crazy horny” shit. Under the shower, I used to think about some girls, my dick would get hard, I would come and wash it off. No big deal. That also wasn’t something that I used to do often, so I avoided the subject when with friends, too afraid of being called a “pussy” as if doing that would make me better of a man or something. Jungkook and Jimin were the only ones I talked about this, Jimin especially, for he had some beforehand experience (he had a girlfriend back in Busan, and they did everything there was to do), so he could give me some tips and clear up some doubts that I had (in case, you know, I ever wanted to use the information).

After all those one-week-long relationships, I realized that it wasn’t worth wasting my time dating a person that I didn’t actually like, so I decided to only date again if I found myself _really_ in love. But… if the opportunity came and I could kiss someone I already knew and had the interest to do it, just for fun, why not try and do it? Maybe I just had to bond in some way to feel some deeper level of attraction. This was something that was often on my mind, but at the same time there was some voice in my head saying:

_It’s not just that._

Trying to be nice, I chatted a little with that girl that couldn’t stop drying me out, and I figured out that her name was Hye Kyo. We exchanged phone numbers to online-chat from time to time. I wouldn’t rush things this time. If nothing happened, at least she seemed nice. Jimin, on the other hand, was all the way excited for me, talking about it non-stop from the moment I told him at the van, stopping just for taking a nap with his head on my shoulder.

I grabbed my phone and, unlocking it, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling as I read the text message on the Kakao talk from Jungkook.

It was the end of august 2012, and I was still waiting for him to come back from the United States. He was sent there for a month, for dancing purposes, since he already mastered the technique, but was still missing the _feeling_ of the dance. Bang PD had sent him there to practice his facial and bodily expressions, really giving himself into the music. It was true when I met Jungkook he could be a little dull, as if he didn’t have the energy that life demanded him to have. As a trainee, he was still discovering himself, beginning to talk more with the other boys and letting himself go a little, even though at the end of the day I was the one he most talked to.

That’s why, from time to time, Jungkook sent me, and just me, videos of his different kinds of dances, asking me about his expressions on them. He danced street, girly dances, and even those strong dancing moves that took your breath as you look at it. I always thought he was doing way better than what he thought of himself.

Jungkook also didn’t like phone calls, he was too shy for it. So we always texted:

[Kookie Bun]

Hyung… Hey

Can I tell you something?

[Me]

Kookie!!

Sure!

[Kookie Bun]

I’m not sure I wanna be a singer anymore…

[Me]

What??

WDYM??

[Kookie Bun]

IDK…

Maybe its better for me to just stick to dancing

I feel better that way

I dunno if I’ll be able to sing in front of all those people…

Dancing seems more risk-free

[Me]

Jungkook you silly silly boy…

[Kookie Bun]

Silly?

[Me]

Thats right.

You have one of the most beautiful voices I've ever heard.

If not the best

[Kookie Bun]

You're just saying that cause you're my friend

[Me]

Hm… Maybe that has something to do with it

ˆˆ

But srsly

I listen to quite a bit of voices

Yours stands out in the crowd

You have an angels voice

Even though you're a little devil most of the times :P

[Kookie Bun]

Hyungie

Hmf

>:(

[Me]

Lol

Srsly though

What a shame it would be if your voice wouldn't be shared with the world

Is normal being afraid of mistakes

But nobodys perfect

And I'll always be there for you

As will the hyungs, no matter what group you end up :)

[Kookie Bun]

Fr?

[Me]

FR.

[Kookie Bun]

Hm…

Ok then

Ill think about it

[Me]

You do that ;D

[Kookie Bun]

You're a dork, you know that?

[Me]

Hahahaha

So...

Hm..

Don’t take too long, K?

[Kookie Bun]

Huh?

To do what?

[Me]

To come back >.<

[Kookie Bun]

Oh?

Missing me much? :D

[Me]

Perhaps :P

[Kookie Bun]

Cutie ˆˆ

[Me]

Fuck off <3

[Kookie Bun]

Hahahaha

Hm…

I miss you too

It's weird not having you talking nonsense around me

[Me]

Hm

Were getting too sentimental

Lol

[Kookie Bun]

Right… ˆˆ’

[Me]

Did you at least finish Anpaman?

[Kookie Bun]

I'm trying.

No spoilers.

Or I'll fight you. U.u

[Me]

Told you'd like it! <3

And like that, and with a soft smile on my face, I lost track of time talking to Jungkook.

And he loved to know about the stories I had pictured by seeing the clouds that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! Thank you so much for all the love we received in the first chapter!  
> The updates will be twice a month.  
> Thank you for joining us on this journey!


	3. 3 - Bangtan Sonyeondan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! We're back! The updates will be done twice a month, on Friday. Hope you like it!

June 13th, 2013. The day we finally debuted.

I was the last one to make it into the group, so they decided to put me as the “surprise member”, building expectation for the public.

The boys and I always had a great time together, there was such good chemistry between us, so I just had to invite them to Daegu for my birthday last year. We took a lot of pictures but never posted any at the time, cause we had to keep it a secret that I was a member, while they all already appeared on Twitter and stuff. They even had Logs posted on Youtube already. For some of those videos, including the premiere one, I was there too, but hiding in the back, excited to be revealed soon. The public reaction was worth the wait anyway, even though I had to wait longer, now I could interact with the public and it was awesome.

The hyungs, unlike Jungkook and Jimin, were a little suspicious about me, looking at me as if I was from out of this world. Namjoon was one that at first glance thought I was trouble, followed by Yoongi thinking that I had some type of acting going as if my personality was just too… extra, to be real. Until he realized that, well, that was just... me. Hoseok found me messy, always demanding me to go and clean our dorm since I always had my things all over the place, but when I smiled at him and apologized, he melted right away. Jin definitely thought I was bananas when he first met me, cause in a glimpse of insanity I decided I would dance like those enchanted snakes till I threw myself at him, hugging him from the side. No one understood a thing. I was just following the advice they gave me: “try giving Jin an unforgettable first impression”, so I did.

It was curious, now that I think of it, how they approached me before they put me in BTS, asking if I would like to be in a group with Jimin. I said yes, of course! Jimin was my best friend, we studied together, ate together, trained together… we couldn’t get our hands off each other, and keep on doing that, sharing a dream, would be awesome.

Even though we had our fights from time to time… it comes with the best friend package, right? We only had one big fight, but even then we couldn’t go two days without talking to each other, making up after one day or two, crying cause we didn’t want to ruin our friendship. But the period before our debut was just something else. We couldn’t stop training, so we ended up taking out on each other.

I remember Jungkook being like a scared little bunny in the middle of the dancing practice, while they witnessed the not so discreet fight between me and Jimin, as if it was too much for him to process. It was a tense moment, even more after we had to deal with the potential leaving of Huseok. He almost gave up debuting because of all the pressure. Jungkook even cried, asking him not to leave us, but after Namjoon hyung explained that we would always be a family, no matter what path we chose, Jungkook calmed down a little. I also told him it would be okay, even though I was a bit scared too. I couldn’t imagine BTS without Hoseok hyung, I was already too attached to each and every one of them. Jimin was too. The maknae line saw them as our big brothers, just the thought of us separating was too much to bear. Honestly, I wished we could be together for many years to come.

Talking about Jungkook, he too, was a close friend and obviously, I was excited to be in the same group as him. There were some things that only Jungkook knew how to follow, like my sudden bursts of dancing or acting. We were connected, it was as if he could read my mind.

For example, in one of the firsts videos for BangtanTV, I was inside a car, blowing some bubbles through the window. Simple things like that used to make my day, being my little shot of joy in our daily lives. Jungkook was standing there, filming me, smiling as if he was watching something very exciting happening, while he was just appreciating my weird being.

There was this show we participated in, and Jeon, filming backstage, asked us to introduce ourselves. When I said I was BTS’s toilet (and explained that it was because everyone usually came to me in emergencies), Jeon repeated what I said, thinking it was a funny thing to say, and I confirmed, seeing him smiling at me as if he was saying “oh, Tae…” but not in a bad way.

Nevertheless, in a general matter, I still felt closer to Jimin, opening-up to him more often. Meanwhile, Jungkook went to Namjoon, that is, of course, when it wasn’t the other way around, cause the leader already had Jungkook figured out, knowing there was something wrong even before the maknae had to open his mouth.

Sometimes, Jungkook tried to approach me in a… more profound manner, but then, as much as there were days that he was able to open up to me, there were times that he didn’t even know how to behave around me. Sometimes I even got a little annoyed, not because of his presence, but because of the tension, that even I didn’t know how to make it go away when the words seemed to get stuck on my throat. Even so, he didn’t seem to care about the silence, as if just being around me was relaxing enough. It was chill, I kinda felt important in his eyes, but if I was in an agitated mood I didn’t let it last very long, always remembering something I wanted to tell him, or some game I wanted to play, or some new song I wanted to show him.

I used to have a very eclectic taste in music, listening from trending songs to jazz and classical music, while Jungkook enjoyed the soft, romantic, melancholic songs. I wanted to show him that it wouldn’t hurt to change the playlist a little from time to time, and he didn’t mind, being open to new things even though he still had his favorites.

The more time I spent with Jungkook, the more I was sure that my life’s “goal” was to get Jungkook out of the shell he liked to hide in, his comfort zone, as it was with the clothes stuff. Now he even slept with no shirt on, which made it easier for Jin to wake him up, since he somehow discovered that Jungkook’s nipples were sensitive. One pinch was enough for him to wake up, jumping out of bed immediately. It was hilarious. Right after that, Huseok used to come and poke me till I woke up, morning laziness taking over me.

It was really nice seeing how Jungkook was opening up more each day - in his own way - as we lived together. That shy boy could also be sassy, systematic, and individualist. Yes, the same guy who didn’t like conflicts was the kind that didn’t share things, let alone his clothes (which he still washed separately). I was the one in charge of doing the laundry in our dorm - now BTS’s dorm -, but he still insisted on doing his own. Instead of wasting my time arguing, as I did at first, I just let him be.

It was the death of me, doing the laundry. I had to stand there, waiting for the clothes to be washed, so I could hang them up and finally do something fun. Sometimes, to pass the time, I held on to some of the clothes and transformed them into characters, creating a scene, like:

\- Hey, girl! Come here.

\- Why?

\- Because.

\- Why are you doing this?

\- Cause I like you.

I did different kinds of voices, higher, lower, just so I could entertain myself. Once, Jimin walked in on me. He went to drop off some clothes and when saw me acting, he couldn’t stop giggling, shaking his head. He was already used to me.

Gosh, I absolutely hated being bored. The only way bearable was if I invented this crazy stuff for me to do. I danced and sang out loud, too, despite getting scolded sometimes. I did some magic tricks out of the blue too, using the camera to pretend that I was invisible. If I filmed something, cut, and filmed again, but without me in the frame, it was like I disappeared. It could be the other way around, too, if I wanted to suddenly appear, or exchange places with someone. Yes, sometimes I dragged the boys into the game. “You’re a genius, Taehyung,” I thought to myself.

In the mean-time, Jungkook had figured out that he loved working out, which bored me sometimes. I wanted to watch anime and play some video games, you know, chill... but I had to wait for his gym-obsessed ass to finish before finally getting his attention. I couldn’t bear being in that living hell for more than an hour. If it was for us to exercise, there were so many options other than that, we could dance, play some fun sport, or just play something that didn’t bore me. Repetition tires me. Jungkook, on the other hand, could easily adapt to anything he put in mind that would be the best for everybody.

He sure wasn’t afraid to try new things, as when he accepted to lift Jimin at the end of “No More Dream”’s choreography when he walked on our backs, or when he did the hat dance, at “We are bulletproof pt. 2”. For him, being challenged was like being on an adventure, pushing himself to the limit, exploring and discovering something only he knew, and that did wonders for his self-confidence.

Oh… talking about Jungkook’s pride… It was just too revealing sometimes. He hated losing or feeling a failure in any way. That’s why it was so easy pranking him on his first birthday after the debut. I admit I was a little sorry for him, but that only proved that he was too hard on himself, a perfectionist to the max.

We pretended that he wasn’t doing the “ON” choreography correctly. We repeated the take over and over again, and the director and Namjoon scolded him as if he wasn’t giving his best, not trying hard enough just because it was his birthday.

When we began to sing happy birthday, telling him it was all a prank, he smiled nervously, until he started crying in relief, at the same time laughing with us. I went to hug him naturally, even if he wasn’t a touchy kind of guy, when it came to me, the walls seemed to come down little by little. Even our hands intertwined for a little while, but Jungkook seemed to be ashamed of keeping them that way, especially when there were cameras. When we had privacy at home, however, the maknae was far less resistant to my touch. I was a hugger. I was always hugging the hyungs and stuff, but there was something about Jungkook that made me want to be glued to him, like a koala on a tree.

For some time now I had realized that I was only able to sleep while hugging something, or someone. Especially after the debut, when, according to the boys, I was having sleepwalking episodes. Yoongi said that maybe it was because of all the tension I experienced throughout the day, giving anxiety to my already agitated self, many times causing me insomnia too. Because of that, when I didn’t have anyone to hug, I just hugged a pillow.

As time passed, the episodes began to stop, but the guys didn’t stop worrying. I honestly preferred to hug someone other than something. Especially when that someone was Jungkook. He had the sweetest baby smell, cause he had to use baby products, soft colognes, and neutral soup because of his sensitive skin and sense of smell. I loved to breathe in slowly, my nose touching his neck, until I fell asleep. Jungkook was a natural, soothing sedative.

Sometimes, when I tried sleeping next to him, he’d kick me out, waking up complaining it was too hot. I went away, waiting for him to fall asleep again, and climbed into his bed again, restarting the cycle over and over until he gave in, mostly because I remembered him about my fear of nightmares - that really existed - and he felt sorry for me.

\- Since you don’t get too close and your arm doesn’t move above your waist, you can stay, you scared idiot. - he mumbled sleepy, his back turned to me.

I just giggled quietly, giving him a little kiss on the tip of his ear, sometimes on his cheek, hearing him whine a little, but not trying to push me away.

_The first time I kissed him like this was in the middle of a silly fight we were having about a movie. He was so shocked and red, he looked like the world’s cutest tomato. Strawberry. I like strawberries better. The world’s cutest strawberry._

_\- Wha - why did you do that??? - he asked, fingers touching his left cheek, where I had kissed him._

_\- It just seemed like a great idea all of a sudden. I did this all the time with my siblings._

_\- You… you can’t just go around kissing people just because you used to do that with your siblings!_

_\- Oh… ok, I won’t do this anymore. - I said, but he looked away, biting his lip with a thinking face - What now?_

_\- Uh… you know, it caught me off guard, but…_

_\- ...But?_

_\- I’m embarrassed to say._

_\- We shower together, Kookie. What more is there to be embarrassed about?_

_\- Hyung… - he chuckled, rolling his eyes - Look… so I was caught off guard, but... It wasn’t bad… you doing that. I’m just not used to friends doing that. Not that I have many friends, you get it._

_\- Got it. - I smiled mischievously, playing with his hair - Only I can give you little kisses, cause I’m your favorite hyung!_

_\- You wish! - he replied, showing his tongue in a childish way that I couldn't help but smile, feeling a warmth in my chest for watching Jungkook being even cuter than I thought possible._

_Since then, I’ve created the habit of giving him good night kisses, even if we weren’t going to sleep together._

But the night after Jungkook’s birthday, I was having an awful insomnia crisis. I checked on my phone: 3 am. We had to get up early in the morning, at 6 am. Therefore, I was screwed.

I crawled out of bed carefully, trying to not wake him up, and headed sneakily to the kitchen. I was thinking about drinking some strawberry yogurt, some mid-night snack when I saw that the lights were already on.

\- Jiminie? - I said, surprised after seeing him lean on the balcony, a cup of what seemed to be warm milk on his hand, steam from the heat leaving the cup.

\- You finally let Jungkook be? - he said, giggling quietly - I saw him, well, _listened_ to him kicking you out of his bed over and over again, just for you to crawl over him after every time. You’re a creep, Jesus.

\- Fuck you - I giggled back - He plays hard to get, but he can’t live without me.

\- If you say so… - he smiled, sassy, taking one more sip from his cup, and I giggle at the milk mustache that it formed.

\- What a cute little baby, getting milk all over his face! - I pointed at him, giggling, and he quickly cleaned with his tongue, cursing at me, making me laugh even more.

However, the way Park cleaned the milk was something else… Disturbing maybe. It was too “sensual”. Jimin liked using his sex appeal a lot, he was even in charge of being the group’s “abs” after we got tired of doing those kinds of things. Maybe he was so used to doing those that he didn’t even care anymore. I wondered if someday I would be this sensual, or manly, heartbreaker? The boys used to say that I was popular among the girls and that Jimin was the one with the boys’ attention. For some reason, that was something that bothered me.

With that on my mind, I went to the fridge, to get some yogurt. Jimin reached for the drawers beside him, getting me a spoon. I thanked him.

I opened the lid, licking it to get the yogurt in it, and he laughed at me.

\- Dude! That’s disgusting.

\- Nothing that has strawberries in it is worth wasting. - I said, dipping in the spoon and enjoying my yogurt.

\- You really like strawberries, huh?

\- My grandma’s friend had a field of them, it brings me good memories.

\- Hmm… - he finishes his drink, putting the cup inside the sink, and turning back to me - Were you having bad thoughts?

I stopped my spoon mid-air, staring at him

\- How can I not, when we’re just rookies?

\- Tae… - his tone lowered, his eyes getting a worried look - I know how hard it is, You already saw me crying so many times over this, but there’s nothing we can do… we just started.

\- Exactly. Is just a start. It’s not even three months now, and there’s already so many people doubting us, just because we’re from a small company, because we sing hip-hop wearing eyeliner… Even inside the staff, some people stare at us in disgust, or that’s rude to us for no reason… At school, we hear whispers as we pass in the halls. And then, there are those shows we have to go to create a good image… sometimes I get so nervous words don’t come out of my mouth. I feel so insecure, even though I have so much to say. But I always think I’ll end up messing up, being “too silly”, so I wait and wait till I find some gap I can fill in, but at the end of the day, I’m always the little sweet boy with his head in the clouds. I try to be cute and polite, happy and all… I try to believe that everything is going to be just fine, but there are so many negative comments, that I get sad, or angry, of both. And there’s this thought in my head that gets me all the time… how long will it last? What if the hyungs and Jungkook wake up one day and decide that this was all a bad idea? What if…

Jimin had pitted his finger on my lips, stopping me. When did he get there?

\- Look, you were speaking so fast I stopped understanding in the middle of your speech.

\- I… sorry.

\- It’s ok, I’m playing with you. You can talk however you want - he smiled, nicely - But I get it. We all do. I guess the hyungs just deal better with the pressure, Namjoon-hyung, Yoongi-hyung, and Hobi-hyung, they all went through some shit before we even entered the company. They had to deal with judgment from people who said they were their friends, lack of support from their parents… not to mention they were the first ones to enter Big Hit, so that “what if it doesn't work out” thing is something they struggle with since then. Jin-hyung... well, he had to manage to enter the Idol world without any previous training, and from what I could tell he already struggled at home. So… for us, me, you, and Jungkook, it’s something that we’re just not used to yet. We didn’t have a clue what was waiting for us when we entered Big Hit.

\- Yeah… you’re right… Although Kookie seems to handle it better than us. I almost don’t see him complaining about work.

\- He pushes himself to it - I looked at him, paying attention - You didn’t notice how he didn’t shed a tear when we were pranking him yesterday?

\- Yeah…

I couldn't forget about it, but for me, it was something that I thought was funny, not something to be concerned about.

\- The minute he realized it was all a prank, he couldn’t hold it anymore. If it were true, he would continue to be strong, and when he got home, just then, he would show some sign of humanity. He was trying to be strong.

\- I… I never thought of it that way. I just thought he was relieved to know the truth - the responsibility began to hit me.

\- He was. But that doesn’t mean that it was all ok. This kind of stuff always gets into Jungkook. I laughed at the time, but I kinda regret it afterwards. We get through so much already… He laughed in front of the cameras, but it was out of nervousness, I think deep inside he was kinda hurt. At least that’s what I think happened.

\- That actually makes sense, Jiminie. Ugh, now I feel awful for not noticing it.

\- Hey, chill… It’s not like you ignored his feelings or anything

\- But I… should've noticed. Fuck.

\- You’ll get the hang of it. Anyways, what I wanna say is: Tae, we’ll go through some tough shit. A lot, really. I wish I could say that it’ll get better, but I can’t say it will. But what I can promise is that we will get through all this together. Will it be enough?

\- Yea… no, yeah. Definitely. - I smiled, honestly, although I was still a little dizzy - Thanks, Jiminie.

\- No problem.

He hugged me. It felt nice being inside my friend’s hug.

We talked for a while, and I headed back to the bedroom, crawling into Jungkook’s blanket, with his cute bunny face turned to my side.

I was feeling like I had failed him as a friend, but it was like Jimin said: he always tried to appear fine, and I thought that just because I had made him open up more, I had begun to understand him… but that wasn’t it. I still had so much to figure out about him, and so did he. I had to learn how to read him, even though that shield he held on so tightly so he wouldn’t show any weakness, overloading himself. I really hoped that someday I could be as wise as my hyungs, and be a reliable friend and hyung for Jungkook. Who knows, maybe then he would open up to me and I do him…

I ran my fingers through his bangs, and kissed this forehead, smoothly so he wouldn’t wake up.

\- I’m sorry, Kookie. - I whispered, almost inaudible - One day I’ll be a Hyung you’ll be proud of.

And like that, passing my arms up his shoulder on a hug, I listened to him sleep as my lullaby.

Later that day, I took some naps in between the classes, trying to rest what I couldn’t that night. I knew that Jungkook would pass by the gym that evening, so I decided to surprise him.

He was in the middle of a running series on the treadmill, listening to Justin Bieber in the last volume with his headphones on. He didn't even notice when I came by from behind.

I poked him on his back, almost making him fall, and started laughing from the angry and scared look he was giving me while he turned off the machine.

\- You scared me, hyung!

\- Uwu, baby gonna cry? - I mocked him, making him exhale heavily - Now, close your eyes.

\- Huh?

\- Close’em. It’s an order.

\- Since when do I take orders from you??

\- Since I decided I’m in charge.

\- You’re an Idiot.

\- You’re a child.

\- I’m the child?

\- Just close your goddamn eyes, Jeez.

Annoyed, he obeyed.

\- If this is another prank, I swear to God…

\- There! You can open’em now!

And Jungkook opened his eyes, seeing a metallic Iron-man keychain and a chocolate bar in my hands.

\- What… is that for? - cheeks already getting read, he takes the items from my hands.

\- You said you needed nothing but a cupcake for your birthday, and I believed in you. Then you said that you were ok after yesterday’s prank, and again I believed in you. But… I learned recently that looks can be deceiving, and I sometimes let myself be fooled by these looks. - I breathed in, getting nervous all of a sudden, feeling my cheeks getting red too - Kookie… What I’m tryna say is… I’m here for you. Even though you try to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, just like I do sometimes, cause we both can be so stubborn… I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone. You know? Even if you don’t wanna talk, you can count on me. I like being with you. I enjoyed being able to be with you on your birthday... for the second time, right? Since we were on your birthday before the debut too… we all celebrated together… it's always good to celebrate, right? And… fuck. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore - I scratched my head, pouting involuntarily, embarrassed, afraid that Jungkook would think of me as a fool for the whole scene.

Me, the outgoing one, the person who was always proud to be sociable, making friends as I go… why was I getting so nervous? Why did I get so shy sometimes? Was it supposed to be that way? Does that even make sense?

\- Hyung… - his sweet little voice made me glance at him - Thank you. Really.

Was I seeing things or were his eyes getting watery?

Just like yesterday…

\- You really liked it?

\- Uhum - he smiled, fondly - I didn't lie when I said I was happy just to be with you and the hyungs for celebrating my birthday. No big parties, no fuss. These little things are more than enough for me. So I… wasn't expecting this - he giggles, staring at the presents and then back at me - see? You can be a decent hyung when you put your mind to it.

\- There we go… - I said, smiling and staring at the ceiling.

And then, to my surprise, I feel his slightly muscular arms around my waist, and his chin on my shoulder.

\- You deserve my hug today. But don't go getting used to it.

My heart was beating twice as fast, my face burned, but I was soon smiling like a fool. I was feeling very privileged by such a random act of affection coming from the kid.

\- For every hug you give me, I hug you back one hundred times more - I mockingly threatened, putting my arms softly around his neck.

\- Oh God, please save me!

We both burst into laughter. Then, we sat on the turned-off treadmill and talked about our days and how I wasn't getting any studying for school.

\- I should've done it like you did, pressed pause on school while we debut. - I exhaled, with a thinking face - If only I knew our schedules would be so tight…

\- At least you and Jimin-hyung will graduate at the right time.

\- Fuck the right time. What matters is that we graduate, even if it takes decades.

\- You're always aiming for the stars, aren't you? Decades, one hundred hugs…

\- And always carrying my 20 lbs package - I gave him a smirk, getting an eye-roll in return, for that wasn't the first nor the last time I would pull something like this.

Men had this thing with their dicks, where there was some kind of size competition going on. I honestly thought mine was just… average.

Jungkook's was just fine, too. But I could never let him know that. He had to think that, in comparison to him, I had a Godzilla ready to attack. It was a matter of pride.

\- You’re such a smug! It’s not all that. - he exhaled, making me giggle and pinch his cheeks - But, decades is too long, don’t you think?

\- At least the goal would be reached.

\- Even if it took that long?

\- If the outcome is positive, time doesn't really matter. Sometimes it is even better to wait for some things. Why the rush?

\- The anxiety would destroy me. If something took this long I’d rather not even try.

\- You’re more practical and straightforward, I’m more… “ambitious” at this kind of stuff. You like to take actions without too much to think, I’m more the planning type.

\- Like...?

\- When they told you you were going to America. If that was me, I’d be glad, but freaked out, thinking about all the stuff I’d have to do when I came back. I’d pretend it was fine along the way, but on the plane, going back, I would panic to just think about it.

\- You worry too much about some things, and you’re careless about others, not thinking twice before acting, or getting distracted… You go from an extreme to the other.

\- Is that a bad thing?

\- Uh… If you don’t think that this gets in your way of doing things you like… No, I don’t think so. It’s kinda funny - he smiled a little - But… Me not planning things, is that a bad thing?

\- Well, that depends. You tend to do everything at once, so you can get distracted and lose focus. I can be a little slow doing things, but I always try and focus, one thing at a time.

\- Yeah… that’s fine too.

\- We can help each other out.

I smiled fondly, and he smiled back, until he broke contact, looking down and biting his lower lip.

\- Hyung…

\- Hum?

\- I guess that’s enough exercising for today.

\- Huh?

\- Yeah, we can go to the dorm and… watch a movie?

\- Let me guess: “Avengers”?

He chuckled.

\- It’s the best movie ever made!!

\- All because of Loki, my idol. Oh… and cap. America!

\- Here we go.

\- Cap. America rules! There, I said it.

\- V-hyung, why so annoying?

\- Cause you look even cuter when you’re annoyed.

\- You know what? Let me get back to my training…

\- No! - I grabbed his arm, looking desperate - If you get up on that again, I'll leave you here and throw the keys away.

He laughed, and we got up.

\- So, movie?

\- Movie - I smiled.

Already at the dorm, we went and took a shower before we could do anything else. That’s why I was so sure about the hyung’s “sizes”. I always had a glimpse of it, even though they avoided looking at one another - that is, when they didn’t walk around the house wearing nothing but underwear. It was impossible not to look when that happened.

Nudity in general wasn’t something that bothered me. That wasn’t something that I usually took sexually. It was more like a matter of freedom. I wasn’t joking when I told Jungkook I think everyone should walk around naked. I once told this to the hyungs too, suggesting that someday we all took a shower together. I was answered with a lot of screaming and frustrated looks and mumbles. It was hilarious. It’s not my fault that I have these kinds of ideas. They just come to me.

I shampooed Jungkook’s bowl hair, and he shampooed mine. I was so proud of how he had managed to create courage and show his body, we even talked with the hyungs about us all going to the water park. At the beginning of that year, we went to an amusement park, where Jimin had me laughing the whole time because of his fear of rollercoasters. I had to hold his hand the whole ride for moral support, even though I couldn’t stop laughing at him.

We finished our shower and put on some clothes. Jungkook opened up the laptop to put on the movie while I made the popcorn. The laptop was on the center table in our living room, so Jin-hyung and Huseok-hyung joined us, laying on the ground.

Jeon and I tried so hard to finish the whole thing, but we were so tired that by the middle of it we were already asleep.

His head was resting on my shoulder, and mine was resting on his. It may seem like it was uncomfortable, but I was able to sleep and rest what I couldn’t in days. Even though we had to get up and crawl to our own beds afterward.

It didn’t matter, cause at that moment right there, I was saving the world with Jungkook in my dreams.


	4. Two naughty maknaes

Two days after Jungkook’s birthday, we began filming for a weekly show called “Rookie King”. As the name suggests, it was a show that had recently debuted groups as their guests, showing a little about their routine and getting them to compete against each other in trivia and variety games. The main game was the “Endplate game”, where a ‘king’ was sorted between us, and he would get immunity from the penalties, just reading them to us. The ‘king’ then, would give us cards and whoever got the skull one would get the penalty.

It was an interesting moment for us to interact with each other and for our fans to get to know us better since even our dorm was shown for a brief moment at the show.

As for me, besides my bowling and basketball abilities, I showed my non-abilities in the kitchen when the challenge was cooking, as well as my cheating capacity when I put more salt in Jimin’s food to sabotage the other team. Cheating was something I did often just so I could brag expertise if we win later, even though I would get properly scolded afterward. I did everything I could to win, and taking shortcuts was fun. Jungkook didn’t agree with my methods, he wanted to win fear and square, using only his skills, as I just waited for the right time to act. 

At the same time, even if it sounds contradictory, I could pass a more pure and innocent image in contrast with the cheating. For seeing Jin imitating a bird made me smile like a child with the unexpected aegyo, and my fear of ghosts, during the elevator prank, paralyzed me in a way I had to take a while to process what had just happened. 

There were also some cute moments I had with Jungkook. For example, I used to lean on him way more than on the hyungs, being around him a lot. We did a parody commercial of Burger King where Jungkook and I were so comfortable that we started moving our shoulders in sync, making a little dance as we smiled at each other with the burger in our hands. Or that time when we had a raffle with some meaningful objects to us, and I started teasing Jeon saying that I wanted the first shirt he got when he went to America. This time he didn’t even get the joke, saying that he had already bought me one, and I had to admit that I had lost it when we moved to the new dorm. At least the afterall shooting went well, cause the maknae always seem to get comfortable around me. 

In his own way, Jungkook also comforted me when he figured the punishment was too much for me, like when I had to eat jello with a spoon stuck in a weight that I could barely lift for its actual purposes. Jeon even tried to help me showing the proper way to do it, but I simply gave up on the weight and finished the task my way. I only had to eat the jello, so I leaned on the floor with no posture whatsoever and finished it. Afterward, Jungkook even tried to make a little massage on my back, which I thought was very thoughtful, since he usually didn’t do things like this. 

In general, Jungkook and I always had our backs, leaving the teasing for when the hyungs were getting punished, even though we didn’t stop teasing each other. Just not in the same way. 

However, the darkest hour for me was when I found out I was kissing Huseok over the “Endplate game”, where we both had gotten the skull, one in each round.

It was a screenplay from the “A Frozen Flower” movie. I already had heard of it, I was thirteen when the movie was released in Korea, but my parents wouldn’t let me watch it, saying there was an unnecessary “homosexual theme” in it. I used to take what they told me very seriously, listening to them. Besides, I had gotten used to searching for videos and photos of girls to get inspired for my time alone in the shower, so I just let it go, even though I was curious about what would be so bizarre about two men having sex, or even two women. Was it that different?

At that moment, however, being in the game, it would be cowardly of me to give up the punishment out of shame or any other reason. Besides, it would be just a peck, my first gay kiss, but that was better than a real one, right? After that, it would be like nothing ever happened. Simple.

But that was just the theory. In reality, my heart was trying to get out of my chest, and I was as pale as chalk. It was like my soul had left my body, especially after seeing Huseok wearing that red lipstick, for he was playing the part of the lady who was in the love triangle. The hyungs, being the little bitch they were, couldn’t stop laughing at our faces, screaming in excitement as we leaned closer to the kiss, which was supposed to last five seconds. Even Jungkook was excited, clapping and watching from behind the others. A total of ten eyes were on us, and I only knew how to giggle in despair, not being able to close my mouth enough. Then, to get this thing over it, I decided to just close my eyes and let Hoseok do the work.

Those were the longest five seconds of my entire life. I was still giggling nervously, so the lipstick only marked half of my mouth, as I saw later. Hoseok went away jumping around, as I laid on the floor, screaming to let the nerves out. 

Jungkook placed his hand on my back, telling the camera to film my frustrated face, and I tried to laugh at my own disgrace, but I just wasn’t in the mood anymore. Even with the show going, I still had that uncomfortable feeling, not being able to concentrate anymore. 

_ I had kissed a boy.  _ It wasn’t a  _ kiss  _ kiss, but it was a kiss. And it didn’t even happen because I wanted to, It was something out of a game, a dare. It wasn’t supposed to happen that way... if it was to happen. If - hypothetically - I would kiss a boy, I’d rather it would be something spontaneous. Hoseok was my friend, but that was so random… Was I being dramatic? I hoped not. Ugh, my thoughts and feelings were a mess… chill, Taehyung.

The only effective distraction came when Jungkook had to dress a girl’s kimono out of a punishment, pretend he was a fairy, and dance sensually. Without a second thought, I held on to the scarf that he had on his neck as if I wanted him to dance just for me. After all, he really was cute, and sexy, even though I couldn’t quite understand how that was possible, and why it was so fascinating to watch him. Yes, I had an existential crisis about kissing a boy out of nowhere, but not about enjoying my friend dancing like that. I don’t know if it made sense, but I had to admit that it was a sight for sore eyes, even more because, well, it was Jeon. 

That even reminded me about a drag queen contest I participated in in school. That was when I learned how to walk on heels for realistic purposes. That went so well that I came in first place. I didn’t think that wearing “woman clothing” was something so out of this world, if it was something pretty that caught my attention, what was the problem? Why do clothes need to have a gender? It’s just a piece of fabric. However, I learned to keep my thoughts to myself, since my family only stopped arguing with me when I said I had done it for the prize. They seemed relieved after that, which made me a little sad, for I had begun to realize that I wasn’t as free as I thought I was. My freedom couldn’t hurt my parents. I had to self-impose some limits.

And then, out of nowhere, Jungkook pulled me and Hoseok by the hand so we could dance together, and then he went to Namjoon. That’s when I realized what his true goal was: to relieve the tension that had taken place after the peck between me and Hoseok, allowing us to have fun together, despite everything, closing the episode on good terms. 

Jungkook’s sensibility was really something. It truly worked, I was able to chill and smile, feeling lighter. It seemed Hoseok was glad too, it was as if he feared that the tension was going to last, but realized our friendship was better than that. 

Later that day, already at the dorm, when the hyungs were already fast asleep, and Jungkook and I wanted to watch another One Piece’s episode, sitting on the living room’s floor. As we watched on the laptop on the center table, I approached him:

\- Kookie… I’d like to thank you for today.

\- Oh? For what?

\- You saw that I got embarrassed for kissing Hobi-hyung, so you… - I smiled a little - Made us dance together so the tension would go away. It was really nice of you. I appreciated it.

\- Oh… - he smiled shyly - I just don’t like seeing you like that, hyung. And… If it was that bad for you… I don’t know, it wouldn’t hurt trying to cheer you up. Hobi-hyung seemed concerned too.

\- Yeah… right. - there I was trying to hold my shit together one more time because of that subject - It’s just… I thought about it, Kookie, later, on my way home, and if I want to become an actor, maybe I’ll have scenes like this someday… Just like fanservices in the group. - I chuckle a little, trying to look chill while I steal some chips from the beg we were sharing - I guess… It’s just something I’ll have to deal with, you know? Not take it seriously, face it as work. Behind the scenes, I know who I am and who I’m not.

\- Oh… - Jungkook said while looking at me, thinking - So it’s just acting, then?

\- It has to be, Kookie… - I said while I put my arm around his neck - After all, there are so many good looking ladies out there…

\- There are some really good looking guys, too. - he talked back, with a playful smile.

\- Oh… that’s right... like me! - I winked at him and smirked. Jungkook giggled, blushing a little - But it doesn’t make much sense for two guys to be together… It’s like… I don’t know...

He nodded, smile fading from his mouth like he wasn’t quite sure about that. On the inside, I was a pile of nerves, feeling sick for making a statement that I didn’t even know if I agreed with. There was just something about it that didn’t click with me.

When the episode was over, I put another anime on, but Jungkook said he was going to bed, to catch up with his sleep. I told him to leave space for me in his bed since I would be sneaking in in no time. He gave me the middle finger as his answer, and I had to cover my mouth from laughing.

After a few minutes had passed, I saw my phone’s screen light up and, to my surprise, it was a message from Jungkook.

[Kookie Bun]

Fyi…

I think ure better looking than any other men or women in the world, hyung.

Well… I don’t know about I.U… hahaha

But ure singular, not just the way u look, but also the way u r

And I admire that. Even though u can be a pain in the ass sometimes :P

Uuhhh… I dont know y I said all this, I just thought u should know… But tomorrow it will be like nothing happened, ok? I’m shy. 

K, gn than. :X

My hands were shaking a little. I had to take some deep breaths after that, trying to calm down.

Fuck, Jungkook…

What were you doing to me, huh?

Why did something so small like that that had so much effect on me? 

* * *

On the next day, after long and exhausting hours of music and dance practice, Jungkook used one of the breaks to lay down on the floor next to me. We were laying on our backs, and when he was sure the hyungs were far enough, he came closer to whisper:

\- V-hyung…

\- What?

\- I want to see that “Frozen Flower” movie.

I got up all of a sudden, eyes wide open while I turned in his direction.

\- You what?!

\- Shhh! - he put his finger in front of his lips, waving his head into the hyungs direction - Stop shouting!

\- But Kookie… - I laid down again, this time on my stomach - That’s an... adult’s movie.

\- So? It’s not like you’ve never seen something like that to jerk off. Plus, from the hyungs reaction, everyone has watched it already.

\- It’s just… my parents made such a scandal when this movie released, I was still living with my grandma, but they called me just to talk about how outrageous it was.

\- Why? They didn’t want you to watch smut? 

\- Jungkook… - I chuckled, the maknae was really absorbing our slangs - It was about that specific smut. - he keeps on staring at me, waiting for a clearer response, and I exhaled, whispering - Gay sex.

\- Oh… - he looks away, biting his lips together for a moment - I know.

I blinked, shocked.

\- You do?

\- I went after the movie’s synopsis after I saw that look on your faces. I wanted to know what was all the fuss about. Plus, I don't wanna be the only one who hasn't seen it.

\- But I didn't see it.

\- You didn't? - it was his time to be shocked. 

\- No. My parents said "it wasn't worth it", that it was absurd, even though the scene was short… A-anyway... - for some reason, that memory made me tense, making my heart go faster and my cheeks go redder - I let it go, didn't even remember the movie existed.

\- But… weren't you curious about it?

\- About what?

\- About… you know, hyung… what is like. Like… I wander… is it two men together that bad? - he lays back, staring at the ceiling - We're so over this man and woman thing…

I kept silent for a long moment.

It was always shocking for me when the one showing its "rebel" side was Jungkook, and not me. However, there were times that that was exactly what happened: Jeon acting by impulse, decisive, not giving two fucks about society's norms, while I chained myself, trying to please my family, not even dreaming about breaking the rules if it means I'll hurt them.

But, now, there was something about Jungkook's persistence that touched me profoundly.

Yes.  _ I was curious about it.  _ But I never dared to do anything about it.

And, this time, me being the impulsive one, I suggested:

\- Why don't we watch it together?

\- Huh? - he blushed, and his jaw dropped.

\- If we're going to have such an amazing and unforgettable experience like that, we could do it together. ...No one has to know. It'll be our little secret. We already have so many internal jokes and stuff, the boys only get it when we tell them, right? But this time it's  _ really _ going to stay between the two of us. Forever.

He stayed still for a moment, until he smirked.

\- You're scared you'll like it way too much if you watch it by yourself, and with me being there you'll have to control your shit?

\- Ugh, fuck off. - I chuckled, frustrated, and slapped his shoulder lightly - You were the one who started this. Let's see who's going to laugh at who when it's all over.

He chuckled, making it even clearer that he had the dirty mind of someone interested in sexual matters. 

On the videos recorded for the fans, and in interviews in general, the hyungs always talked about how Jungkook was the only one still going through puberty, and how this could be disturbing for the rest of us. Sure, people thought that that meant just hormones and attitude, but that was their way of saying the maknae wasn't, necessarily, that pile of innocence and cuteness he had to show everyone just because he was the youngest.

That’s what was expected of him. There were “designed roles” for K-pop idols to follow, with patterns of behavior of all kinds. Therefore, we were all looking forward to him reaching his legal age soon, so he wouldn’t have to be so stuck, since he’d be treated like a little baby by the fans, and couldn’t even show an opinion about sexual matters. Although Yoongi, in “Rookie King”, had joked about finding holes on his underwear, saying he was a man after all, that was all that was allowed: jokes. Or it would stain the image created about Jungkook.

He tried hard to be professional about it, just like me having to be the “cute guy who’s always giggling”, but we weren’t robots. It gets tiring. It’s not like Hoseok would literally smile all the time, or like Namjoon would always be the best leader ever, or like Jimin would always be strong and charming, or like Jin would be always the hyung for the hyungs, always being the responsible one, or like Yoongi would always be the cool rapper that doesn’t break. But that was something we had to deal with, at least until we were settled in the K-pop industry. That doesn't mean we wouldn’t break the rules from time to time.

For instance: doing aegyo was the main thing expected from the maknaes, being the most disturbing thing for Jungkook, and making him uncomfortable. But BTS wasn’t like de average k-pop group since the beginning, starting from the fact that our members were the ones who composed our songs, and that the leader wasn’t the oldest one. Therefore, every time there was a breach, we would distribute the tasks expected by the public between the members. That’s why Jimin and I, and sometimes Hoseok too, would do the aegyo for Jungkook, cause we didn’t care about that kind of fanservice. 

Jeon preferred keeping his aegyo to his natural cuteness since he still had childish trades and was a bit shy whenever he was around strangers. When there was just us and the members, however, he felt comfortable, being someone people wouldn’t even imagine a maknae could be since there were so many stereotypes of age, appearance and personality. Jungkook understood that he was now a public figure, and just like us, had a limit of what he could and couldn’t expose. It was part of the deal.

* * *

On that same week, Jungkook and I took advantage of an early morning when all the guys were already fast asleep to run to the living room and put the laptop on the center table. We opened the anonymous tab, typed the movie name, and, with our headphones on, pressed play.

The story already began with the king's predilection for one of the boys he trained to be part of his royal guard. After a few years passed, the boy became head General. With both of them being adults, it became even clearer that their relationship wasn’t exactly “ordinary”, like in one of the scenes where the subordinate would cry desperately thinking the king would die, being comforted by the king himself, as his wife, the queen, watched from afar. Later on, the queen would have a conversation with the General, saying he shouldn’t be that close to the king, or it could cause rumors about what was really going on. 

The more the homoerotic tension between the two of them increased, the more I felt weird. However, nothing compared to my shock when, suddenly, a scene of the two of them in bed appeared: they were sitting, naked, hugging, facing each other with their legs intertwined, and… that’s how I saw my first gay kiss. But it was a  _ kiss  _ kiss, with tongue and everything. And not to mention the kisses they spread on each other, on the neck and the chest, running their hands through each other’s sweaty skin, their glances and stares, thirsty for more, getting closer at every scene’s take...

I felt like I was going to have a heart attack any second now, for that was impacting me in a way I never imagined it could. An uncontrollable fire was coursing through my body, my heart was racing a marathon, and to make things even worse, an erection appeared between my legs. 

I didn’t know what to do. 

_ I was getting turned on by two guys making out while having sex. _

It was a hot scene, and it didn’t even last five minutes, but I was so astonished by it that I was holding my breath without even realizing it. It had got to the point that my lips were getting desert dry, and I was only able to notice it and humidify them after the scene was over.

That’s when we realized that the king wasn’t able to have sex with his wife, but an heir was expected. The king then offered his lover, and also his most trusted general, to his wife, for him to sleep with her and get her pregnant, thus beginning a complicated love triangle among that violent scenario of a vintage movie.

For a while, I couldn’t fully concentrate and think about the movie other than what we had seen moments earlier, still shocked with my body’s spontaneous reactions, and thanking God my shirt was really large, that way it could hide my… 

Wait a minute, what about Jungkook?

Carefully, I turned my face his way, looking from the corner of my eye. He seemed lost in his thoughts too. The light from the laptop was dim, but I could see he was just as blushed as me. And from the way he was hugging his knees, I could tell he was trying to control his tension too.

I wanted to say something, but my voice wouldn’t come out, plus I had to deal with the volume in between my legs that wouldn’t go away.

I gulped, trying to catch up with the movie’s story after all this time not being able to pay attention.

When it was all over, two hours later, the credits rolled and the room went even darker. We took our headphones off, and only then I could realize just how heavy was our breathing. We glanced at each other at that dim light, and, in an involuntary reaction, we started laughing, covering our mouth with our hands trying to muffle the noise.

\- Oh wow, that was something that’s going to be stuck in my head for a while. - I whispered, jokingly - Well, not only the tragedies but, you know… 

\- Yeah, it’s going to be stuck in my head too... It wasn’t explicit, but even so…

\- What do you think? About the scene, I mean.

\- Uh… I...

Ok, maybe that was a stupid question. A little invasive, even. But it came out unintentionally.

\- Sorry, you don’t have to answer that. Let’s go to be-

\- No big deal.

\- Wha-

\- It didn’t show how they  _ do it,  _ but it did show how it can be just as nice as every other kind of sex. If both parts are into it, of course.

Fuck.

\- Right… there’s no denying that… but, I don’t know…

\- Hyung… do you think… being gay it’s… wrong?

My heart raced. I was feeling extremely nervous and I didn’t even understand why.

I looked away, trying to hide it.

\- I don’t know if wrong it’s the word… weird... maybe?

\- And why is that?

\- Uh… My family always said I had to find a good girl and get married an-

\- I asked what  _ you  _ think, not what your family thinks. Those are two different things.

I stared at him, startled by the sudden interruption. Jungkook knew how to switch from cute to cold as he speaks. I was even more apprehensive than before, trying to find the right words.

\- Hm… Gays can’t have kids… Maybe that’s some kind of sign that that’s not the best way of living...? E-even though there’s adoption, maybe…

I wasn’t sure about anything that was coming out of my mouth, I was just reproducing what I was told my whole life, and I had never really questioned any of it. I just absorbed it, because it was my family who taught me that, and family was sacred. 

I stared again at Jungkook, who was pressing his lips together as he stared at some point behind the laptop.

When Jungkook pressed his lips together, his mind went someplace far away. That I knew.

\- I… - he spoke suddenly - I don’t know about being wrong either. But… I don’t think it’s much of a choice. 

\- Why?

\- Cause… If it was a choice, no one would choose to suffer. And a lot of those people are rejected by just… being gay. - he stared at me, hesitant - And, there are kind-hearted gays, right, hyung? And, if that’s the case, why are they mistreated? I… I don’t get it. It makes me sad. My heart aches, I can’t explain... But Namjoon-hyung always says that “love is the same”, he even recommended that song on Twitter…

\- Yeah, I remember that. He said it could hurt our image even more than it is, but he didn’t want to not share such great music with our fans. That was really nice of him. I also didn’t stop myself from listening to and sharing good music from gay artists. I just don’t like it when it seems that I’m singing to another man, but… if the song’s good, why not listen to it?

\- Right… but hyung, that guy from the movie, he snapped because he couldn’t be with the one he loved... Sure, he fucked up, but whatever, isn’t that unfair? To judge someone just because they like someone of the same gender? Or am I overreacting…? - he breathed in, tired - If the fans knew I think like this…

I gulped, suddenly feeling like crying, but not wanting to worry my dongsaeng. So, I faked a smile and, petting his hair, I said:

\- It’s ok to think like that, Kookie. Maybe… maybe that’s even the best way to think of it. We shouldn’t judge anybody. But, sometimes, to avoid being judged, as idols, we have to hide some things...

\- Yeah, I know... - he breathes in again - Don’t tell anyone about this, ok?

\- Sure. I won’t. Don’t worry about it.

Silence.

\- I’m sleepy. 

\- Yeah, me too. But… - I end up getting embarrassed, kinda stuttering - I’m gonna take a shower first.

\- Uh… alright.

My… “problem” wasn’t a big problem anymore, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep without relieving myself properly. So, at those brief minutes under the shower, remembering that one specific homosexual scene, and forgetting about each and every thing I was ever taught against it, I jerked off, urgently, being as quiet as I could.

When I finished, I rested my forehead against the wall, letting the water fall on my back. And the more I came back to reality, the more bizarre it was for me to realize that within me there was a capacity for attraction, not only to women, but also to men.

However, realizing it and  _ accepting  _ it were two different things. And I knew damn well that I’d deny this side of me for a  _ long _ time. I went to sleep ashamed of myself, even though the image of the two men’s making out continued burning inside my head until I slept.

Moments before I could fall asleep though, I could swear I heard Jungkook leaving the room, and right after that, the shower turning on. 


	5. A new perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !TW! This chapter contains scenes of Internalized homophobia.

Jungkook and I never mentioned that particular night again. We only shared complicit giggles now and then, despite all the awkwardness behind it, when dirty topics came up in our group.

The boys didn't bother talking about these kinds of stuff in front of us, but I had noticed that when Jungkook and I were around, it was like they tried to hold it back a little. When it comes to that, even liquor was something rare in our dorm. Maybe they were just trying to give us a minimum of a "good example" because they were older than us, even though most of the time they were more like brothers, and not parents, to us. So much so that I thought it was kind of dumb whenever they were embarrassed to talk further about things that were obviously an interesting topic for all of us. What annoyed me the most was that with Jimin the treatment was different. Maybe it was because he'd already had some real action instead of just watching videos on the internet and, well, this kind of gave him a "free pass" to knowing all the dirty little details.

Little did they know that, at the first opportunity, the little guy would pass on some of that "knowledge" to me, who would listen to him closely as if he were my guru of love and sex. It was fun, and I enjoyed how Jimin wouldn't hesitate in answering anything I wanted to know, even though he would blush at some of those questions. We had fun with those kinds of conversations, laughing at all the bullshit and the dumbest curiosities.

However, I should recognize that maybe I wasn't so different from my hyungs, since there were things I'd rather talk about only with Jimin. I think Jungkook had already noticed it too since he would give us space when he'd catch us in the middle of something "prived". I kinda felt grateful for his understanding, but on the other hand, I felt bad, cause I didn't want him to feel "left out" or something like that... but friends the same age (or "chingus") would always be encouraged to open up towards each other, as if it was something almost natural to become instantly intimate with them. Even though I generally didn't give a shit about age hierarchies, Korean etiquette, and stuff like that, those were the moments that I realized how there could be things that were deeply rooted within us, and how hard it could be to just get rid of them, no matter how much we tried.

It was with that in mind that I tried to be more understanding of the hyungs' dodges. And because at least I had Jimin to talk to about everything else.

But what about Jungkook?

I wondered if he had that someone who he could rely on too.

The maknae didn't use to say anything about any potential chingus. Maybe he had lost touch with them, or just never really had a best friend before, and... maybe he even felt kinda lonely for not having someone like that... The closest he had to something like this was me, but I wondered if he really trusted that he could tell me everything... There was no way for me to know if he saw me as someone mature and sensible enough for him to talk to about his true concerns.

It was weird. Our relationship was great and all, it had everything to grow into a deeper one, but... I could see that even though we were close, had so many things in common, and now shared a secret of our own, it was as if an invisible wall had started to rise between us ever since we saw that movie. A brick, solid wall that was quite difficult to climb into, even though I really needed to talk to someone about the internal conflicts that had begun to grow stronger within me ever since the event. But, with Jungkook, I was afraid to hit a sensitive spot for both me and him... since the tension between us was cutting edge while we were watching it.

But even when it was with Jimin, I got stuck whenever the mere thought of talking about it crossed my mind. Whenever I was close to saying something, the words would simply disappear before I could even find them. He watched me, paying attention to every sign of affliction I wasn't able to hide, and yet for several days he did not question any of that, pretending not to notice.

The truth was, I grew up hearing my family talking so negatively about people who liked same-sex people, or "men trying to be women" - except as jokes because then it was acceptable - that, even though I had a natural empathy for society's outcasts, I didn't even consider the possibility of being... one of them.

They always said that those things were "against laws of nature"

That's why I couldn't be like this. I just couldn't.

I didn't want to suffer any more pressure other than the idol life itself already put on me.

I had begun entering in some sort of spiraling paranoia, searching on anonymous tabs on my cell phone about the different types of sexualities and the signs that said who was what.

But I didn't want to be gay.

Nor Bisexual.

I couldn't be.

But, above all, I couldn't ruin my friendship with Jungkook just because of this bullshit that wouldn't get out of my head.

A suffocating feeling surrounded me and shame consumed me each time I recalled the series of events. I got a boner over watching gay scenes while sitting right next to my dongsaeng, who had barely kissed a couple of times before.

Not that I had kissed many more times than that. But I had already gotten to second base once. Jungkook didn't get to do that. And, after the debut, it was even riskier to try anything. That's why I only went out with Hye Kyo, my friend from high school, before all that.

We went to the movies a couple of times, or had cheap food after a quick walk, or sneaked around inside the school for some kissing and cuddling. We never went any further than that, because I was ashamed of being a virgin, and I didn't feel comfortable telling her that. So, just before the debut, I just told her that I didn't feel like keeping this going anymore - but not without my dick pumping inside my pants, eager to be tested by someone else - but that we could still be friends if she still wanted to. And she agreed to it. I didn't know how or why, but she did. Maybe I really was a good actor, having such an exceptional poker face that sometimes even I was surprised at myself.

Jimin, at first, couldn't understand my constant refusal to go further with her. And even I didn't quite know how to explain it myself, until, after some time trying to figure it out, I found the right word to express myself: connection. I wanted to feel connected to the person I was giving my body to. It didn't have to be an undying love or... an overwhelming passion or something like that, but at least a strong bond, a strong partnership. Hye Kyo and I were friends, and I did have the desire to do certain things with her, but with a certain limit as well.

Park said it made sense since he also preferred to have deeper connections with people before having intimate contact. And even when he did it with someone he didn't know very well, after he had done it he would always get attached, in one way or another. Jimin was like that: he wanted to experiment as much as he could, without it necessarily leading into a commitment. Although he would always leave part of his heart with whoever he got involved with. He just couldn't help it. He needed to feel that his actions were reciprocated, seeking meaning even on a casual night. And, because of how I was, I thought it was cute. Perhaps I could manage to not get attached just like Jimin, as long as we had great chemistry... who knows? But if I had a choice, dating someone I had at least something of a friendship with was the most ideal scenario for me.

I was quite cautious about all of this and had never really loved anyone until then. I divided romantic love into levels, and had never felt like I was at what I considered the "maximum level". The closest to something like this was a really strong crush I had on a girl from Daegu once. I had even decided to confess to her when I was on the bus going home, but it was raining so much that the call never completed. After that I never saw her again, for my transfer to Seoul had begun. I decided to let it go.

But, now, why did it seem like I had urges and possible crushes on men as well?

Could it just be in my head? A crazy, temporary phase? A momentary confusion that would soon pass and I would just look back and laugh at it all as if it was ridiculous of me to have these kinds of thoughts and doubts?

It was terrifying. And it only made my insomnia episodes worse. I'd wake up a wreck, barely able to maintain my eyes open. I would get lectured by the staff for being irresponsible and not going to bed early at night. The boys would try to explain that this was something that had been a problem for me for years now, and I would explain that it worsened when I was under stress. Some of the staff didn't care, saying it was nonsense, but others would be more understanding, promising to give us a few extra hours off during the week to see if it would ease the situation.

It was hard, but at the same time, I didn't want to keep bothering anybody. So I tried to pretend as much as I could.

And, with all that, we reached the second month of recording Rookie King. Where everything seemed to get even more uncertain for me when it came to Jungkook.

Once, I was filming the members while they were sleeping, in a hotel where we were staying, and when I touched someone who I found out was the maknae, I couldn't resist spending more time on him, while the others were only filmed for a couple of seconds.

I covered part of his bare chest so it wouldn't show on camera, squeezed his mouth to form a little fishy peck, played with his bangs... He looked more and more beautiful to my eyes as he kept growing up. My heart even skipped a few beats, especially when I noticed the beautiful shape of his pink lips: slimmer and more curvy on the upper part, and plumper and rounder on the lower part. They twisted slightly when he smiled, were cute when he pouted, and also sexy when he bit his lower lip with his bunny teeth.

I shouldn't spend this much time thinking about his mouth. This was driving me crazy. It was even kind of kinky.

Then, the day came for the recording of the MV for "Beautiful", where Jungkook, Jimin, Hoseok, and I had to " flirt" with the same girl.

Jungkook was the first one to sing. I stared at him waiting my turn, but at the same time, I couldn't help but notice how confident he looked in spite of his shyness, exchanging glances and smiles with the girl from time to time. If he would approach someone, perhaps it would be exactly like this: he would gradually walk up to them as if he didn't really care... In a subtle, gradual, charming way.

Suddenly it seemed that Jungkook was becoming more and more aware of his charms. This made me a little tense, for whatever reason. When I went to sing my part, though, I took my mind elsewhere.

So, at the end of the recording, Jungkook went to tease me saying that I had made many mistakes, as I chuckled, denying the whole thing. At the same time, our hands naturally interlocked in front of the cameras.

It lasted only a few seconds, but I felt really good, even more so knowing how difficult it was for Jungkook to give in to these kinds of affections, especially in front of others. But he seemed to be less resistant to me. Or, at least that was my perception of it. At the Fansigns, I hugged him several times, either from the side or from behind. In fact, I even preferred to hug people in a less affectionate and more "rough" way, practically throwing myself on top of them, without giving them much chance to move or escape from me. It was a way to make sure that they would stick with me, but without making it seem like I made such a big deal out of it... since I had a bit of a hard time demonstrating feelings effectively.

Everything about me was somewhat unconventional, and as for that it was the same way: I wouldn't admit my emotions and deepest thoughts that easily. Especially because I didn't think I was so good at formulating sentences and creating nice speeches, so I ended up playing the mysterious one in this respect.

Jimin, on the other hand, had no problem with this, always expressing his feelings well. I guess that's why he inspired me to talk about myself so much: because he'd not only listen, but he would also offer words of advice. Yet, exactly because he was so sentimental he was easily hurt, and because I had a spoiled, almost childish side, sometimes we could get into heated arguments. It seemed that everything was like this between us. Intense from the very beginning. At least we got things straightened out between us very quickly.

* * *

Once, when I was having a snack with Jimin during high school break, he said he needed to talk to me in private.

We went to a corner farther away from the patio, near the water fountains. Almost no one stayed there.

We stared at each other, and he began to speak:

\- Tae, you're more airheaded than usual, like you're worried about something. And that's ever since you had to kiss Hobi-hyung. - he approaches me, looking serious and determined. - Is that what's still bothering you?

Park Jimin, you never missed a beat.

I felt as if, with him, my fragile side could come out naturally.

While I tried to always appear good, confident, and optimistic to the others, as if almost nothing could ever shake me, Jimin was the one who had witnessed several of my moments of weakness. I had even shown it to Jungkook once or twice, but I preferred that he thought of me more as a strong and cheerful figure, and not as the vulnerable and frightened boy that, deep down, I still was.

This was one aspect where my "hyung pride" ruled: Jungkook could not know my darker sides.

Maybe that's what kept me from getting into more details about that subject that was taboo even though it wasn't taboo...?

\- Kim Taehyung! - Jimin's voice suddenly gets me back to earth - See? That's what I'm talking about! Where the hell did your mind go, dude?

\- Sorry - I chuckled, scratching my head - I just...started thinking too much about some things.

\- Tell me something I don't know - he crossed his arms as I rolled my eyes - but is it that bad

\- Honestly... I don't know.

\- What is it?

\- I don't know if I should tell you either.

\- What? - His arms went to his sides, and he gazed at me in disappointment - Why?

\- Jiminie... I know I can tell you everything, but there are things that it's hard to say, even to our best friends. Especially when we don't even know exactly what's going on.

\- Hm... - he narrowed his eyes as if he was trying to see through me, and I had goosebumps - does it have to do with the kiss or not?

\- Well.. it does and it doesn't - I stare at the ground, embarrassed - I mean it, Jiminie. I can't explain. I'm just too confused. I don't want my troubles to get in the way of the group in any way.

\- Tae... - the soft tone reassured me, as well as the hands on my shoulders - whatever it is, you know our group won't function if one of the members is hurting, right?

\- Hum...

\- But I don't want you to feel pressured to tell me anything. I just want you to know that... I'm here for you. For whatever. You helped me so much when I transferred schools... and I will never forget about it, Tae - he chuckled, sassy - even though sometimes all I want to do is to beat your ass up for being so stupid and stubborn!

\- You're stupid and stubborn! - I talked back, giggling, and he smiled with that sweet gentle way of his.

\- I just want to protect you from all harm.

\- Why?

\- Because that's what friends do.

\- But you seem to be more like this with me than anybody else.

\- Cause we're best friends. And... - he suddenly wraps his arms around my shoulders, and I feel the heat of his body against mine - I know how much you like affection. Words or gestures, you like human touch as much as me. You just don't allow yourself to really hug someone for enough time for it to seem needy. So you prefer to hug in other ways as if you can have more control over it and not make it obvious that you like it so much, but... You miss this, don't you? Hugging tight without hesitation? - he chuckled softly near my left ear - And, deep down you wish everyone hugged all the time, so the world would be a better place. That's Kim Taehyung.

\- Jiminie...

My eyes were filled with tears.

Sometimes I got angry at how much he knew me. Sometimes even better than I knew myself.

\- Hug me, bitch.

The contrast between that unkind command and his gentle voice made us both laugh. So I did as he said, bringing him closer, letting the fruity citrus scent from his black locks invade my nostrils.

\- You're a good friend, Jiminie. Thank you. And... please don't give up on me.

\- I won't. Ever.

Later that night I snuck in Park's bed. And, even though it made me a little shy for usually I was the one who cuddled people, I let him pet my hair till I fall asleep.

That's how, after all those restless nights, I was finally able to have a good night's sleep.

* * *

In one of the Rookie King moments, Jungkook, Jimin, Jin, and I did a live performance for some fans, singing "You're My" by TaeYang.

_Since some time ago_

_I've been calling you first, more and more_

_I already call you baby, at the places you aren't at_

_It's quite funny to me, too_

_You're my chocolate_

_My sweetest chocolate_

_I really wanna have you_

_You, who is so sweet_

_I wanna have you, Wanna have you_

_So that you'll be able to lean on me_

_So that you can feel a nice happiness_

_I'll give you my everything_

_You're my ice cream_

_My sweetest ice cream_

_I really wanna have you_

_You, who is so sweet_

_I wanna have you, Wanna have you_

_The one who gave me the gift of love, that's you_

_The one person who gave me that dazzling love_

_That's what you are_

_To you, who is looking at me_

_I'll sing a song just for you_

_You're my candy_

_Lollipop candy_

_I really wanna kiss you_

_I really wanna love you, yeah_

We agreed we would sing looking at each other, but my eyes seemed to always encounter Jungkook's, feeling a connection because of it. And his glances in my direction seemed to be made even more often, as Jimin complained about the maknae's lack of eye contact with him.

The atmosphere in the car was even a little bit awkward on the way back to the dorm because it seemed almost as if we had unconsciously serenaded each other, but... Why?

Just the thought of this made me flustered and my cheeks blushed. So I pretended to be asleep the whole way back, just so no one would bother me anymore with this subject.

Later that same day as I was lying next to Jungkook, despite the darkness of the room where everyone was already asleep, I knew that his hand was resting on the pillow.

Slowly, I spread my fingers for a brief caress, feeling a strange warmth in my chest and butterflies in my stomach, that only increased as I felt him pull back, separating our hands.

\- Whatch'u doing? - He whispered with a soft, sleepy voice.

\- I like petting you - I whispered back.

\- I know, but... usually, you do it for a while and then stops.

\- I just... I've been thinking... - I blushed a little - I like when our hands get intertwined.

\- You do?

\- Yeah - I chuckled a little - like this...

Gently, I grabbed his hand and stretched out our palms, enjoying the shape of both hands pressed together with outstretched fingers.

I couldn't see anything, but I knew that Jungkook's fingers were slightly thinner than mine. And that, for some reason, was ridiculously cute.

Just as slowly, I intertwined our fingers, noticing how Jeon's breathing changed a little as if he was surprised.

\- That's better. - I said with a smile, and he could hear my excitement.

\- Hum...

\- What is it?

\- You like it that much, huh?

\- I do. It's like we're... hm... connected?

\- Sure it is.

I giggle a little longer, figuring that maybe he was a little embarrassed since he was hesitant to reciprocate. This bothered me a little because I didn't want it to look like I was forcing it. However, very shortly after that, his fingers relaxed, and to my surprise, his thumb lightly brushed against my skin.

\- Let's sleep, hyung.

Blushing and with my heart skipping two beats at a time, I nodded.

* * *

The day of the last episode of "Rookie King" arrived, where we were supposed to play three types of challenges and one of us was supposed to be the spy. That is, one of us was supposed to damage its own team quietly, without letting anyone notice his secret mission.

It was funny how Jungkook and I were closer than usual. When one of us won, it was automatic to hug one another, or for me to wrap my arm around him. There was a time when we held hands without even noticing. And, even though I was paying attention to the game, my mind was a bit foggy, but in a good way, for I was happy to be like this with the always-so-shy Jungkook.

Then it was time to play the "Of Course Game", where one of each team had to say things to the other that, theoretically, could not be denied. The first to deny would be that round's loser.

On my turn, I was placed against Hoseok, which already made me a little apprehensive because of what happened a month ago. Nevertheless, I tried to play along and have fun with it, signaling with my finger for Hoseok to be quiet and start the game.

\- You like me, right? - I asked him seductively, and all of them laughed because they knew I was playing.

\- What are you saying? This looks like a drama! - Namjoon exhaled - This scene reminded me of something.

Clearly, he was referring to the kissing thing. I smiled awkwardly, but Hoseok also jumped in. He was really cool about it, so answered me:

\- Of course!

\- Hm... - I gave him a thinking face - Now, I'll ask you a real thing - we looked at each other - Back then... you liked the kiss, didn't you?

I hear Jimin's loud laughter, and Huseok proceeds to talk.

\- Your lips were trembling! - He turned to face the others - I thought his mouth was a vibrating cellphone!

Everybody laughed.

\- Of course! - I said sharply. The action per se wasn't that bad, it was just the context that made it worse.

\- Did you liked the kiss? - Hoseok asked without a second thought, and I asked my question back.

\- You know you're making a fuss about it?

\- Uh... of course. - pause - Did you... - giggles in the back - You did... back then... You stuck your tongue out during the kiss, didn't you?

Everyone was choked. I was really embarrassed, giggling nervously along with the members, for that was simply absurd.

My first instinct, I don't even know why, was to turn myself in Jungkook's direction, denying everything, and I was encountered with a very unpleased look on his face. But, at the time, however, I didn't pay much attention to this, just throwing myself against a wall to vent my despair after losing to that cheap trick.

Yoongi even said afterward that no such thing had happened, since he had seen it all up close, but by then it was already over. I was more than defeated.

Nevertheless, at the end of the day, I was able to be proud of my acting skills, since I was the spy and no one had guessed it. I simply took advantage of the existing popular view of me as the "clumsy, light-headed cutie", and fooled everyone right out of the gate. I too had my own quirks and tricks, and if there was one thing I could do well, that was controlling my emotions. In addition to exploiting various facial expressions, of course.

I have had this habit since I was a child, for I liked memorizing and recreating some epic movie scenes, paying attention to everything the actors did. I still do this to this day, even if I'm alone. Sometimes I improvised some random scene with Jungkook, who's normally the one who can better keep up with me. The best scenes were when we imitated two old people talking. The hyungs had already caught us in some of these moments and laughed their heads off. There were romantic scenes too, but then we laughed before we could ever finish it, feeling very silly afterward.

As a prize for being a great spy, I got a very tasty piece of meat that I could choose whether or not to share with the boys. Some of them, like Jimin and Hoseok, I would only allow having a piece after they danced around begging me for it. But when Jungkook said he loved me in a cute way, I gave him a piece in no time.

I had a weak spot for him acting like this, what could I do? I wasn't quite used to cute Jungkook yet.

But then I noticed something different in his eyes. He seemed more airy than usual, hardly looking at me nor talking to me... It was as if he wanted to leave as soon as possible.

Back at the van as we were getting back to the dorm, he was sitting next to me, but it seemed that it was only his body, for his mind was traveling far away.

When we got home and everyone spread out on their own, I held Jeon's wrist while he was still near the living room door, preventing him from going away.

He looked at me confused, blushed even.

\- What is it, Kookie?

\- Huh?

\- You don't seem well. I don't know, since the end of the show.

I noticed how he pressed his lips against each other, looking down.

\- I just... don't think it's funny anymore.

\- What is?

\- To keep recalling how you and Hobi-hyung kissed.

Hearing this sent a shiver down my spine, along with an unavoidable look of surprise.

\- But, Kookie... It was just a silly peck. It was not even a real kiss.

\- I don't like it.

\- You don't like what, exactly?

\- Ugh, nevermind.

Without any idea what that was all about, I watched him untangle himself from me and walk away, staring at the ground the whole time.

Why, all of sudden, this started to bother him so much?

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writer’s notes:
> 
> Guys, in case you want to know what was invented/deducted by me VS what I actually read/seen out there, you can ask me, ok?
> 
> For instance: I always emphasize how Jimin was Tae's biggest confidant because Tae himself has said this more than once, and for many years. Even before their debut, they already considered each other very close. So there has always been this exchange, and I need to show this.
> 
> The JK from that time getting more advice from Namjoon is also true. Recently, I saw that Jin was also advising him a lot, but more in early 2014 (this is still at the end of year 2013).
> 
> The thing about asking Jimin to sleep with him and JK on Jimin's first day in the dorm is true too, as well as helping Jimin make friends at school.
> 
> JK and Tae's exit to the sauna, playing in the snow afterwards... JK said that this was his favorite Christmas memory. That's why the title was that. 😊
> 
> My sources are Bangtan Bombs, lives, interviews (written or video), and most of it I see on the BTS Diary site, or a compilation I found on Twitter with the chronological order of everything they have ever done. There are things I see/read in Portuguese too, mainly on the BTS Subs channel, but it's easier to find things in English.
> 
> Here, for an example, is a compilation of all TaeKook moments in Rookie King and Beautiful:
> 
> https://youtu.be/wOo-uQyRqMU
> 
> https://youtu.be/f9_sHgPVQgM
> 
> Really hope you're enjoying it!! If you want to comment on TT, our # is #BetweenTkk!


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